UNEMPLOYMENT Joblessness strains couples' relationships

The problems that arise can crack even a strong marriage, therapists say.
KNIGHT RIDDER NEWSPAPERS
After Jim Nelson lost his job, his wife grabbed every second of available overtime at work, pulling 10- and 12-hour days.
So when she came home tired at night, and the bathrooms weren't cleaned, and Nelson, too depressed to get dressed, was still in his pajamas, she hit the roof and sent the mail flying.
"I learned to duck," he said.
Nelson, 46, a volunteer for Joseph's People, a support group for the unemployed at St. Joseph's Church in Downingtown, Pa., can laugh about it now. The Coatesville, Pa., security guard and production worker holds down two jobs, and the memory of the year he spent looking for work is nearly five years old.
Memory lingers
But he hasn't forgotten just how rough losing a job can be on a marriage. "There's a saying," he said. "No money, no honey."
The financial strain and shame of being unemployed, and the depression and anger that goes with it can stress even the best relationships. Money decreases, routines shift, and the household can be thrown into turmoil.
Psychologist Joan McCrea, founder of Joseph's People, said she's seen the patterns many times. Sixty percent of the hundreds in the group talk about family problems.
Most of the Joseph's People members are men, many with stay-at-home wives, McCrea said. Even something as simple as the change in routine that occurs when the husband stays home all day causes stress.
Not helping
"Regardless of the age, they get annoyed because the husband is busy trying to find the job and isn't helping around the house," she said. "Or, he's so depressed that he's not busy.
"She's doing so much of the housework, and she begins to feel like she's overwhelmed. So the least he could do is do the dishes or baby-sit the kids," McCrea said, "They begin to pick at one another over little things.
"Then, as time goes on, she can't figure out why he can't get a job, so she begins to think that maybe the reason he lost his job was his fault and not the company's fault," McCrea said.
The dynamics are different if the wife works, he said. Even if the financial strains are less, the wife might resent having to carry more of the load.
Control issue
"There's a control thing that sets in," McCrea said. "There can be a lot of abusive conversations: 'You will empty the dishwasher, you will do the wash.'"
Whatever form it takes, "the kids sense the unhappiness between husband and wife," he said. "Frequently, they will side with the mother and leave him in isolation. You have a guy who is used to controlling his own life and, to some extent, the life of his family, and here he is, living alone in his family.
"There is a breakdown in the family at a critical moment in time that can take forever to repair," McCrea said.