ANNIE'S MAILBOX Divorce is causing further family rift
Dear Annie: My husband's brother, "Nick," went through a bitter divorce two years ago. He is now engaged to a nice woman, and we are happy for him.
I have two sisters-in-law who believe the ex-wife should be invited to all family occasions. They knew her for 23 years and are still quite fond of her. They say she will always be part of the family. Unfortunately, Nick does not want to see his ex under any circumstances, and his new fiancee says if the ex-wife is present at a function, she will not attend. She says it is disrespectful to her.
I have mixed feelings about the situation. My daughter is having a baby in a few months. Should I invite my ex-sister-in-law to the christening? Kim in Dallas
Dear Kim: While you can invite whomever you like, your first loyalty should be to Nick. If you know it will make Nick uncomfortable and create ill-will with his fiancee, you should not include the ex-wife. It's nice that you are still on good terms with the ex, and if you wish to entertain the woman when Nick is not present, go right ahead. Perhaps, in time, Nick will be less bitter, his new bride will be less insecure, and everyone can peacefully coexist at the same function.
Dear Annie: My siblings and I are not close. However, I have discovered that I have quite a bit in common with my younger brother, "Justin." Among other things, we are both gay. We talk on the phone fairly often now and visit each other every six months or so. I feel we're developing a more caring sibling relationship.
Justin recently told me he and his live-in partner are planning to hold a commitment ceremony. He is reluctant to ask other family members to attend because many belong to churches that are not exactly "gay friendly." So far, I'm the only family member he has told. I am very excited and happy for Justin, and finally understand why straight people go nuts over weddings.
Would it be tacky of me to ask Justin if I could be his best man? I realize he may have friends he feels closer to, and I wouldn't want to pressure him. However, I would feel incredibly proud to stand up for him -- how cool would that be?
Should I mention the idea to Justin's partner? Should I drop some hints? Or should I just keep quiet? Excited About My Brother's Big Fat Gay Wedding
Dear Excited: It would be nice if Justin asked you to be his best man, but since he hasn't, it would be unfair to put him on the spot. Tell Justin how happy you are for him, and offer your assistance. Ask if he would like your help with the decorations, planning or food. If he sees how eager you are to be part of his big day, he might feel more comfortable having you participate. Good luck.
Dear Annie: I was worried when I read the letter from "Trustworthy and Exasperated," the girl who was making out with her boyfriend and found her dad pounding on the car window. You gave her advice on how to persuade her parents that she was trustworthy. I think you missed the mark.
There is only one reason her father just happened to be there when they were kissing. He was following her. He obviously has control issues and will never trust her. Germantown, Md.
Dear Germantown: That's quite a leap of logic you've made. If Dad were following his daughter around, surely he would have caught her much sooner. Since the girl did not consider the possibility that Dad was tailing her, we have to assume his usual behavior is perfectly normal and this was mere coincidence. But thanks for offering a different, and more alarming, perspective.
XE-mail your questions to anniesmailbox@tbi.com, or write to: Annie's Mailbox, P.O. Box 118190, Chicago, Ill. 60611.
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