JOHN ROSEMOND | Parenting Put night-waking child back into bed

Q. Our 28-month-old is waking up anywhere from two to five times a night (on a bad night, about every two hours). She comes to our room crying. We simply tell her it's still nighttime and walk her back to her bed. She immediately goes back to bed and back to sleep. Sometimes all we have to do is tell her to go back to bed and she will put herself back to sleep.
We are having difficulty finding the motivation behind this behavior, since she doesn't want us to lie down with her, nor is she angling to get into our bed. Plus, she doesn't fight us when we put her back to bed. She sometimes comes in saying she is scared, but again will go right back to sleep. We have a 1-month-old baby, so getting up with both kids is really wearing us out! And by the way, this started a couple of months before the baby was born but has since gotten worse.
A. I doubt there's any motivation behind this. What you're describing is a sleep disturbance, pure and simple, not some psychological phenomenon. It is not unusual for a child's sleep patterns to change around age 2. The child may begin taking fewer naps, taking longer to fall asleep, or -- as in this case -- waking up periodically during the night. The fact that a "night waker" reports being scared is most likely due to the fact that the parents, at the outset of the problem, asked, "Are you scared?"
In many cases, the "explanations" children give for their own behavior amount to nothing more than ideas they've picked up from adults. Questions often confuse toddlers. Their best "defense," therefore, is to simply agree. Yes, I'm scared. In legalese, it's called "leading the witness."
When a toddler wakes up in the night crying, just comfort. Do not ask questions. Reassure the child that all is well, that you're taking care of business. Get the child back to sleep as soon as possible, in his or her own bed. When parents bring the child into bed with them or get in the child's bed, the likelihood of night-waking becoming a difficult-to-undo habit is greatly increased.
Also, know that there is a distinct difference between night-waking, nightmares and night terrors. A young child who awakens suddenly in the night is apt to be confused; thus, she starts crying. This does not mean she's had a nightmare. Nightmares generally have their onset after age 3. Contrary to what most people tend to believe, most nightmares are not psychological events. They just happen, usually for no reason.
Night terrors are hallucinatory states during which the child seems "stuck" between sleeping and waking. This is a terrifying experience for the child, and often equally terrifying for a parent. In each case, the best antidote is to stay cool, calm and collected. Always remember that there is nothing so reassuring to a child as a parent who acts like he or she is in complete control of the situation. Conversely, there is nothing so frightening as a parent who acts like he or she doesn't know what to do.
The solution: At her bedtime, stretch a ribbon across the doorway to your daughter's room. Locate it such that she'll run into it (chest height) if she walks out of her room in the middle of the night. Tell her that when she feels the ribbon, she's to go back to bed. Rehearse the procedure.
Now, this is not going to work magic. Getting it to work is going to take calm, authoritative persistence on your part. When she wakes up and comes into your room, simply take her back to her room, point out the ribbon, and remind her that the ribbon means "get back in bed and go back to sleep." In a week or so, this should be history.
XJohn Rosemond is a family psychologist. Questions of general interest may be sent to him at Affirmative Parenting, 1020 East 86th Street, Suite 26B, Indianapolis, IN 46240 and at his Web site: http://www.rosemond.com/.