KATHY MITCHELL AND MARCY SUGAR | Annie's Mailbox She should be told about her father

Dear Annie: I have a 9-year-old daughter from a previous relationship, but her father was never involved in her life. When "Sara" was 6 months old, I met "Bill," who is now my husband. Bill adores Sara, and she considers him her dad.
When Sara was 3, her biological father committed suicide. I contacted his family to see if they wanted to have a relationship with Sara. They were rude and nasty. They blamed me for everything that went wrong in my ex-boyfriend's life and said they didn't want to see his "bastard child." I have not contacted them since. Bill and I recently moved back to my hometown, and I frequently see these family members. I am uncomfortable around them, but this is a small town, and there's no point in purposely avoiding them.
Now that Sara is 9, my parents think I should tell her about her biological father. She's never known any father besides Bill. How can I tell her that her biological father died by suicide, that he was an abuser, an alcoholic and a drug addict? What happens when she asks about her paternal grandparents, aunts and uncles, who don't want to have anything to do with her?
Bill's parents have always treated Sara as part of their family. I don't want to mess that up. What should I do? Feeling Guilty and Confused in Massachusetts
Dear Mass.: You do not need to tell Sara that her father was an abuser, an alcoholic or a drug addict. You also don't need to tell her how he died. She should know, however, that Bill is not her biological father, and it's better that this information comes from you and not some kid on the playground.
If she asks for details, say he died when she was a little girl. Mention only positive things about him. If she asks about her paternal family, tell her, "They aren't ready to get to know you. Maybe that will change when you are a little older." (P.S. They sound like a nest of vipers.)
Dear Annie: My husband and I just celebrated our 40th anniversary, and we have a good marriage. We're both in our 60s but don't look it. I know "Horace" loves me and has no interest in cheating, but whenever he sees an attractive woman, he stares like a star-struck teenager. He checks out women who are stopped at red lights. Just recently, we were at a restaurant, and he spent the entire evening ogling an attractive woman sitting nearby.
No matter where we go, Horace behaves like a wolf. When I ask him about it, he says, "It's a man thing." I'm not a jealous person, but this seems demeaning to me. I would never treat him that way. What should I do? Pennsylvania Patty
Dear Patty: After 40 years of marriage, you've suddenly decided this is a problem? Horace likes to check out the ladies, but fortunately, the only thing roving is his eye. He doesn't mean to be disrespectful. You can demand better behavior, but he may not be able to control it to your satisfaction, and it is hardly worth the battle after all this time. Unless he acts on these impulses, ignore his adolescent behavior.
Dear Annie: We have some good friends who occasionally treat us to dinner. I feel it is our place to tip the waitress, but my husband disagrees. Please resolve this so we can stop arguing. Hydesville, Calif.
Dear Hydesville: The person who treats is the one who leaves the tip, although since you are good friends, you can offer to do so. Also, if you are frequent guests of this couple, you should be reciprocating for their generosity.
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