DIANE MAKAR MURPHY 'Just plug it in' would have a nice ring to it

"Telephones should not be used while you are in a bathtub, shower, or pool." Well, there you have it -- yet another example of the amazing value of reading one's owner's manual.
Of course, when I unpacked my new Dell computer, I expected to find an intimidating stack of instructional materials. And, earlier, when I tore open the box on our replacement VCR, I anticipated I'd find necessary directions in a thick booklet.
But how could I have guessed the papers accompanying a new telephone -- just an ordinary, plug-in-the-wall, set-on-a-desk telephone -- would come with 20 "IMPORTANT SAFETY INSTRUCTIONS" and an additional 12 "PRECAUTIONS [that] SHOULD BE OBSERVED."
Without question, this 21st-century living can be complex.
Now, if you're laughing and thinking, "Oh come on! Why do I need safety precautions for using a telephone?," the manufacturer has anticipated your reluctance. Straight up, the booklet tells you, you must "reduce the risk of fire, electric shock and injury." So there. Case closed.
Read your instructions
Then the instructions begin: "1. Read and understand all instructions." (I try to imagine the first time the safety rules went out without that No. 1 entry ... "Well, Sam, it's a great book of safety precautions, but NOBODY IS READING IT! Isn't there something we can DO?")
Of course, once I've read that, I'm hooked. After all, I've been commanded to read, and so, I do.
"Do not allow anything to rest on the power cord. Do not locate this product where the cord will be abused by persons."
I try to imagine where I should NOT locate this telephone. Where is it that telephone cord abusers are most likely to hang out? Do they travel in packs or are they loners? I put the telephone in the basement and hope for the best.
"Do not place lighted candles, cigarettes, cigars, etc., on the telephone."
While no one in our household smokes, we have on occasion lighted candles, and I consider this warning important enough to put a post-it note on the new telephone: "Don't put candles here, unless unlit."
"Never install or modify telephone wiring during a lightning storm."
This is a big one. I interpret it to be one of the things that might cause the electric shock or risk of fire mentioned earlier. I make a mental note to not modify the telephone's wiring during a thunderstorm.
"Do not use the telephone to report a gas leak in the vicinity of the leak."
Huh? This one bears consideration. Our gas hot water heater and boiler are in the basement. I move the telephone to the fourth bedroom.
"Use only the type and size battery(ies) specified in the user manual."
Oh yeah. I remember when I tried to hook up a flashlight to the car battery. Talk about regrets.
A real fear
Sarcasm aside, here's one fear Americans probably don't have, but now, thanks to me and my new owner's manual, should. "Exercise care in handling battery(ies) in order not to short out the battery(ies) with conducting materials such as rings, bracelets, and keys. The battery(ies) or conductor may overheat and cause burns."
I wonder if I could get a volunteer to hold a C-battery on his or her ring -- you know, just as an experiment.
"Do not dispose of the batteries in fire."
"This product should be operated only from the type of power source indicated on the marking label. If you are not sure of the type of power supply to your home, consult your local power company."
Well, that's it. I unplugged the telephone from the fourth bedroom and put it back in the box. Until Ohio Edison calls me back, I'm taking no chances.
And they talk about the "dumbing down of America." No flies on me.
murphy@vindy.com