KATHY MITCHELL AND MARCY SUGAR | Annie's Mailbox He'll step up to the plate if the child is his

Dear Annie: I am a 27-year-old single man and have been seeing "Jolene," a married woman. When she was going through a particularly difficult time, we became close and slept together. Jolene is now pregnant and claims the child is mine. However, she has also told me she is going back to her husband.
Jolene is due in February and has asked if I plan to be in the child's life. I told her once she proves I'm the father, I will step up to the plate and take care of my parental responsibilities. Until then, however, I want nothing to do with her.
During the seven months Jolene and I were together, she told me on numerous occasions that she wanted a divorce from her husband. I always assumed she would wind up with me. Now I realize she is still in love with her husband and I was only some romantic interlude. I am plenty angry. Is it wrong to stay away from her while she is pregnant? Should I be more supportive? Grade-A Fool in Missouri
Dear Missouri: You made a mistake, and it's over. Now put your anger aside and think of what is best for the child. Unless you plan to fight for custody, this baby will be raised by Jolene and her husband -- not you. It would be confusing and damaging for you to become too involved in her pregnancy.
Tell Jolene you are available if there is a problem, but she should not be leaning on you. If the child turns out to be yours, make legal arrangements for financial support, and also make your medical history available. Offer to be involved in the child's life if Jolene and her husband agree to it, otherwise, back off.
Dear Annie: "Nate" and I have been married for eight years. I have a wonderful relationship with his 16-year-old daughter from a previous marriage.
In the past, I had some financial setbacks, and Nate helped me with loans. However, he always insisted I pay him back any money I borrowed, and I did so. His ex-wife contacted him last week and asked him to pay $4,000 toward a car for their daughter. He immediately agreed. When I asked Nate if he was upset about putting out $4,000 when no one will be paying him back, he became furious with me. How come I have to pay back every penny, but his daughter gets $4,000 with no strings attached? Annoyed in Arizona
Dear Arizona: Nate's daughter is 16, and he is financially responsible for her. If he chooses to help pay for her car, that's up to him. While most married couples join their bank accounts, you obviously have a different arrangement, and, apparently, you agreed to it. If it now seems unfair, discuss it with Nate before you are eaten up with resentment. But leave his daughter and her new car out of it.
Dear Annie: I met a new neighbor a month ago and really like her. However, she and her three kids come over every day and stay for hours. Her husband is gone a lot, and I am sure she is lonely, but her visits are really beginning to get on my nerves. I cannot get anything done around my house, and her children are driving me crazy. What should I do? Fort Carson, Colo.
Dear Fort Carson: Tell your friend that you enjoy her company but need some quiet time, and ask her to come back another day. She probably does not realize she is imposing on you. You also can suggest that she get involved in some local programs for parents with young children -- it not only will alleviate your situation, it will enable her to meet new friends. Meanwhile, do not postpone doing your housework while she is around. If she is offended that you are vacuuming the carpet or doing the laundry, maybe she'll go home sooner.
XE-mail your questions to anniesmailbox@tbi.com, or write to: Annie's Mailbox, P.O. Box 118190, Chicago, Ill. 60611.
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