One 'Episode' was more than enough

In light of the recently released "cinematic event of the year," "Star Wars: Episode II -- Attack of the Clones," and as there is also another more positive "Star Wars"-related column on this page, I thought to myself: "Since it's another sequel in a list of crapulous sequels ... I'll let them know it."
So here it is, folks. My critical look at a movie series that truly deserves it, "Star Wars."
Don't get me wrong -- I didn't hate every "Star Wars" movie, mind you; just the ones that came after the original.
I liked the original. It was an interesting piece of sci-fi, and I credit George Lucas for creating it. The movie was the standard fantasy fare of a knight-errant rescuing a damsel in distress with a sci-fi twist. Kind of like the old Arthurian legends; it was "Excalibur" with lasers, basically.
Think about it: Luke was a young Arthur, Han Solo was Lancelot, Obi-Wan could be considered Merlin, and the robots would be like Percival and Galahad (if Percival and Galahad were whining, rusting piles of brass).
It was a decent movie.
Too 'Forced'
Now, onto the many problems with its rather redundant sequels. George Lucas decided to muck it up with the whole "Force" thing: a bizarre form of psychokinesis caused by little organisms with a name very few can pronounce.
In the later movies, Luke Skywalker is tutored in the ways of the "Force" by Yoda, a creepy little Muppet thing that speaks in a confusing manner and looks like a 500-year-old Kermit the Frog (makes sense considering he's hermited away in a swamp) with ears like garden spades.
Even then, it got worse.
After Yoda, we have the Ewoks -- ugly, hamsterlike creatures who appear to be wearing robes stolen from 16th-century monasteries and have eyes like stuffed animals.
By now, Mr. Lucas's Muppet fetish is rather obvious.
To top it all off, we are given a 7-foot-tall hairy thing resembling a cross between Cousin It of "The Addams Family" and a yeti. The worst part about this guy? He communicates through a series of growls that everyone with the exception of the audience can understand. Madness is inevitable.
A problem that should have been done away with after the first movie is the concept of R2-D2 and C-3PO. These rust buckets were terrible. First, there's C-3PO, a whiny, high-pitched idiot of an android who moves as if he had a pipe glued to his back. I hated R2-D2 even more. Here we have a motorized trash can whose main form of communication is whistling and making his lights blink. Again, everyone but the audience can understand this pile of rust.
I think everyone in the "Star Wars" universe was taught how to understand high-pitched whistling and other nigh-impossible languages.
Incompetent evil
One would think the "Force" and Lucas's bizarre Muppet fetish were bad enough, but the recurring screw-ups of the villain (Darth Vader) were just pathetic.
After the Death Star was blown up by Skywalker in the first film because of a rather embarrassing flaw in construction (an exhaust port that leads directly to its self-destruct mechanism), one would think the villain would learn.
In the next movie, how is the Death Star destroyed? The same way it was blown up the first time. This time around, however, the Rebel Alliance kills a lot of innocent people along with the storm troopers, because the Death Star wasn't quite finished, and there must have been people such as technical experts and construction crews on board as well.
We won't go there
If you're wondering if my critique could be more brutal, then I have this to say: Yes. I was kind enough not to mention the "Star Wars" cults, the crappy merchandise, the horrible fan films and fics, among other horrible things this series has spawned.
So, yes, I could have gone further than I already have and completely and utterly condemned the series for all time.
May the farce be with you.
XMichael, 16, will start his senior year at East Liverpool High School in August.