NUPTIAL PLANS Experts give resolution tips to couples engaged in conflict

How couples resolve issues in wedding plans foreshadows how the marital issues will be handled.
SCRIPPS HOWARD
Ah, engaged life. Perfectly manicured fingers showing off a giant diamond, fancy parties in your honor and a legitimate excuse to plunk down thousands for one dress.
You never expected the downside: hissing at each other in bridal registry departments, screaming matches over guest lists and tears shed over "why doesn't he care about the centerpieces?"
The engagement period can be a minefield of hot topics that can trigger blowouts. "Planning the wedding is a trial run for your future marriage. The things you battle about now are clues to where you're going to have trouble in the future," says Tina B. Tessina, psychotherapist and author of "True Partners: A Workbook for Building A Lasting Intimate Relationship."
Here's what lies behind the most common prewedding blowouts, and how to resolve them.
Family ties
"His family's guest list is getting longer and longer every day, and they are not even chipping in for the wedding."
Tessina warns that this argument is "a prototype for future financial dealings." Her advice: Be businesslike. Say to your groom, "This is what your family's guest list will cost, this is what my family's guest list will cost. What can we do to limit the cost? Will your family chip in?"
Dr. Patrick Gannon is a licensed psychologist in private practice and co-creator (with his wife, Dr. Michelle Gannon, also a licensed psychologist) of Marriage Prep 101, a course designed for engaged couples. He suggests there may be more here than meets the eye:
"Always be on the lookout for conflicts like these to be about 'hidden issues.' Are either of you sensitive about issues of fairness or balance? Does one of you have a greater sense of obligation to your parents that the wedding be a certain way?"
Groom's involvement
"He doesn't even seem to care about the color of the table linens! What is he? Insane?"
Tessina warns you could be expecting too much: "He's a man. Most men aren't interested in design and decor." This doesn't mean you should give up on including him, however. "Find out what your groom is interested in and encourage him to participate in that part," she says.
Michelle Gannon concurs and adds, "Make sure there are not any underlying issues; e.g. he feels he should defer to you because you are the bride or he feels that your parents or his parents are interfering with the wedding plans."
Another issue concerning money involves the dress and the honeymoon. The dress of her dreams is costly; he wants some of that cash to go towards a honeymoon in Bora-Bora.
This time, Tessina is not on the side of the bride. She asks, "What entitles the bride to spend big bucks on the dress? This needs to be an equitable deal. At least the honeymoon is something you'll both enjoy. Sit down together, like two adults, and work out the finances of the wedding as a couple."
Battlegrounds
"Why does he/she think we should be married in New Jersey just because we live here? We need to be in South Carolina with my family. His/her relatives can fly in from Ohio."
"Ask that question for real, not just rhetorically," suggests Tessina. "Why does your partner want to get married at home? Maybe having friends at the party is more important to him or her than having family. That's a reasonable want. Perhaps you can scale things down and have the wedding at your family's home and a party where you live."
Another bone of contention may be friendship with an old girlfriend/boyfriend and if this person should be invited to the wedding. Tessina minces no words on this topic: "Oh, grow up. You've already won this battle, and you chose each other. Don't mess things up now by being petty and jealous. Those are not becoming traits. Befriend this person and get to know her or him. If you're too insecure to do that, perhaps you should re-think getting married. You may not be ready."
Ponderous planning
He says, "Who is this detail-obsessed, wedding-magazine-reading woman and where is the girl who used to sit with me watching baseball and drinking beer?"
Your guy may have a point. "He's right," says Tessina. "If the wedding has become more important than your relationship, that's a warning sign. Yes, you want a lovely wedding, but not at the expense of your relationship. After all, what's the point? Keep your future in mind."
"Why is he/she so intent on planning our divorce when we aren't even married yet?"
This could be a blessing in disguise, according to our experts. "If you pay attention, the prenuptial agreement can be a big asset for both of you," says Tessina. "It's another way to discuss essential financial issues before you commit."
Naturally, the prenup brings up more than just finances for many couples.
"This is usually experienced as an emotional issue between the couple, often involving feelings of trust, commitment and faith in each other and the future of the marriage," says Patrick Gannon. "Don't let this issue remain unresolved, because it can erode the love you have for each other."