JOHN ROSEMOND | Parenting Child is cowed by bovine fears

Q. Our 3-year-old has recently started having nightmares involving cows. We haven't a clue as to how this got its start, but within three weeks, she's gone from being a sound sleeper to waking up at least once every night, hysterical that cows are coming to get her. She then wants to get in bed with us.
We've tried explaining to her that cows aren't in our house and don't hurt people, anyway. We've tried searching the house, and especially the bedroom area, for cows to prove there are no cows in our house. In the daze of 3 a.m. we've even tried just telling her to get over it and go back to sleep. Needless to say, I wouldn't be writing you if any of this had worked. She's now taken to talking obsessively about cows during the day. Help!
A. To begin with, your typical nightmare is not a psychological occurrence. Nightmares are common to young children and seem to be related to waking events the child has misinterpreted. Sometimes, of course, nightmares are consequential to trauma of one kind or another, but this causation is the exception, not the rule.
Three is the age at which imagination flowers (assuming it has not been encumbered by an overdose of the boob tube). It is also, not coincidentally, the age at which many children begin having recurring nightmares. As it turns out, the 3-year-old's imagination is also the best of all possible pathways to curing nightmares. Before I share my tried-and-true prescription with you, however, I need to tell you that explanations of the sort you've been giving your daughter not only have no effect on nightmares -- they actually make matters worse.
The less talk, the better. Furthermore, you cannot cure your daughter's nightmares. You can only give her the tools with which to cure them herself. In that regard, go to the store, without her, and buy a relatively large but cuddly stuffed animal of some sort. Anything but a cow, mind you. Something benign-looking, like a basset hound, will do.
Doctor's orders
Present this to your daughter, telling her that her doctor gave it to her with assurances that cows don't venture to tread where the lights are on and basset hounds (or your stuffed animal of choice) are standing guard over sleeping children. Oh, yes, I almost forgot. When you put her to bed, leave fairly bright lights on in the hall and in her room. Tell her that you've also learned that cows are afraid of lights. Tell her all of this matter-of-factly, as if these are things everyone knows. You simply forgot, until now.
Assure her that the combination of the lights and the stuffed whatever will keep the cows away forever. Help her say her prayers, tuck her in, and say goodnight. Now be prepared, for this will not solve the problem. It will only set the stage for the solution. Your daughter will almost surely wake up that first night, complaining of a nightmare about cows and wanting to sleep with you.
Comfort her, and when she's of sound mind, simply tell her, in a matter-of-fact and authoritative tone, "No, Sweetheart, there are no cows. The lights and (insert name of stuffed animal here) are keeping them away. Goodnight, now!" At which point, you walk out, blowing her a kiss.
If she brings up cows during the day, just reiterate that the lights and her heroic stuffed bedmate are keeping them at bay. It is imperative that you not discuss her fears or nightmares with her. You must simply act as if everything is under control, that you are taking care of business. In the final analysis, you see, the solution to this problem lies not in lights or a stuffed animal. They are but props. The solution is a resolute display of your authority, your control over your household. And that, by the way, is the key to all successful discipline.
XJohn Rosemond is a family psychologist. Questions of general interest may be sent to him at Affirmative Parenting, 1020 East 86th Street, Suite 26B, Indianapolis, Ind. 46240 and at his Web site: www.rosemond.com.