PROFESSIONAL ETIQUETTE Office tears may lead to firing fears

Emotional outbursts at work can stall a career.
CHICAGO TRIBUNE
Erica, called a crybaby as a child, grew up to be an adult who would burst into tears unabashedly -- even at work. When she worked as a waitress, she frequently had to retreat to the bathroom to pull herself together. Once a cook had to take over her tables while she checked her emotional baggage.
Later, working as a receptionist at a day spa, the impact of her crying finally hit home. After numerous warnings and reprimands, Erica, upset at her boyfriend, lost her job for breaking down in tears in front of a rude customer. "I was fired on the spot," said Erica, who didn't want her last name used.
Erica got help to control her crying and is now a successful marketing professional on the West Coast. Crying, she now knows, is not appropriate in the workplace.
"Professionally, you have to let things roll off your back. You can't take things personally because then it's impossible to move forward," she said.
High stress levels
With downsizings, salary freezes and longer hours -- on top of concerns over the state of the world and responsibilities at home -- tensions at work have never been higher, psychologists say. Teary eyes, flared tempers and raised voices are often the result.
"People are becoming more stressed at work," said Naomi Quenk, a licensed clinical psychologist in Albuquerque, N.M., and author of "Was That Really Me? How Everyday Stress Brings Out Our Hidden Personality" (Davies-Black Publishing, $18.95).
"Most people are aware that this strange person comes out of them every once in a while. Regardless what your normal personality is, when you get stressed out and fatigued, you turn into your opposite."
Although today's culture may be more accepting of the occasional meltdown, losing it at work is still regarded as unacceptable, unprofessional behavior, experts say. Flip your lid on a regular basis and you could find yourself in a career cul-de-sac.
"Two or three outbursts, people may attribute ... to the situation. More than that, they start attributing it to you," said Ken Siegel, president of The Impact Group, a corporate management consulting firm in Beverly Hills, Calif.
Managers may feel entitled to yell at subordinates on occasion. But people in lesser positions can't afford to go off, Siegel said.
Emotional outbursts
Experts agree that emotional outbursts rarely result in job loss unless the behavior is recurring or involves a serious threat or physical attack. But unpredictable behavior at work could stall your career. Outbursts make people nervous, especially with workplace violence on the rise.
And your co-workers will talk about you. "You can be sure that your emotional outburst will be discussed, and it won't be in a way that's self-esteem-enhancing," Siegel said.
Crying is every bit as damaging as yelling, cussing, throwing things, stomping around and slamming doors.
"You don't want to be the crier any more than you want to be the screamer," said Michael McIntyre, an industrial psychologist and professor of organizational management at the University of Tennessee in Knoxville.
Aggression tests
McIntyre has developed a test he says can reveal desk rage, aggression and hostility in applicants. But emotional outbursts are more difficult to predict. They are usually the result of cumulative anger and can happen to anyone.
"That's different than the sort of lashing out that I classify as aggression. If you're doing it monthly, you're probably talking about an aggressive personality. If you're talking about something that's out of character, then that's an outburst," he said.
Before you allow your anger and frustration to reach a fever pitch at work, take a walk, listen to calming music or vent your frustrations to a friend or trusted colleague, said Rhonda Britten, founder of the Fearless Living Institute in Boulder, Colo.
"Venting is a commitment to finding a solution," Britten said. "Tell the person I don't want opinions, judging or coaching. I just need to get my feelings out."