Worst football quotes get help

As regular readers of my column (my mom and my editor) know, I'll periodically print the best quotes in our paper from coaches and players.
This week, I'm doing something different.
Instead of printing the best quotes, I'm going to print some of the worst football quotes (yes, it's redundant) and offer suggestions.
Names have been withheld to protect the guilty.
UOLD: "The kids bought into the game plan and executed it the whole way through."
UNEW: "We were slicker than a Seattle poncho out there."
UOLD: "We made too many mistakes."
UNEW: "We looked sloppier than a horse eating a watermelon."
UOLD: "We just didn't play well."
UNEW: "We folded faster than Superman in a laundry mat."
One of the things that drives reporters crazy is when coaches try to verbally compliment each other in print. It happens in just about every interview we do. After listening to it a few hundred times, you wonder why there aren't more area coaches working for the Packers.
But just once I'd like to hear a coach say, "Boy, that was one poorly-coached team. If we played them every week, I'd be in the Hall of Fame."
Midseason awards
Some other midseason thoughts...
Most impressive win, sort of: In the second week of the season, Howland beat Girard despite not picking up a first down until the fourth quarter. That's just crazy.
Five favorite seniors I've seen this season (emphasis on I've seen).
UUrsuline tight end Louis Irizarry. Guys like him are why I stopped playing football and will always love watching it.
UBoardman defensive end Mike Villagrana. Makes more big plays than Neil Simon.
UPoland quarterback Sean Clayton. If the Bulldogs played seven receivers, he'd find a way to throw to eight.
UBoardman quarterback Tom Zetts. Craftier than Martha Stewart.
UChaney defensive end Keilen Dykes. He has more sacks than a potato farmer.
Not coincidentally, all five are Division I college prospects.
Not-so-fast award: In August, I wrote a tribute to the Steel Valley Conference, which was going to break up in June. Then the remaining teams voted to keep it together. Stay tuned for my tribute to Ohio State national championship football teams.
Best band song I've hear this year: "Ants Marching" by Dave Matthews Band. (Take a bow, Boardman High.)
Best band song -- ever: "Hang on Sloopy."
Least favorite band song -- ever: Tie between "Mr. Roboto" and "Rock Around the Clock."
Best coaching job: Salem coach Doug Phillips. Salem is only 2-3, but the Quakers have led at halftime in all three games they've lost. Phillips is starting to turn that program around.
Best concession stand: Lowellville. The cavatelli pasta is amazing. (But at $3 a bowl, it ain't cheap.)
From state to Saturday
Ursuline's 2000 Division IV state championship team has 13 players who went on to play college football and at least three more, senior tight end Louis Irizarry (committed to Ohio State), senior running back Terrence Graves (leaning toward North Carolina) and junior running back Delbert Ferguson, who will join them.
Here's the rest: Josh Swogger (QB, Washington St.); Jimmy Riley (WR, Louisville); John Angelo (LB, Villanova); Marcus Johnson (DL, Miami of Ohio), Brandon Brown (DL, YSU); John Bartos (OL, YSU); Tom Manning (OL, Mount Union); Brandon Dotson (DL, Mount Union); Ryan Pegues (DL, Mount Union); Ross Kollar (LB, Bowling Green, not on roster); Justin Adams (DB, Mercyhurst); Simon Arias (DB, Mercyhurst) and Brad Hochendoner (LB, Westminster).
XJoe Scalzo is a sportswriter for The Vindicator. Write him at scalzo@vindy.com.