Starting your own family traditions

Dr. Arlene Brewster, a local psychologist and supervisor for American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy, offered insights into why the holidays are so difficult for some people.
Q. Why are the holidays so hard on adults?
A. People often have very idealized views of what the holidays are supposed to be. The expectations are high. People set themselves up for these impossible tasks that they don't find fun.
Q. What about for newlyweds?
A. One of the tasks of a new couple is to build a primary relationship and to leave their family of origin. That is shown by the marriage ceremony. When this break from the original family doesn't happen, the spouse often feels the in-laws are too interfering and too involved. They need to set boundaries as a new couple, and create limits as far as what other people can ask of them. Ideally, in-laws will recognize that they have to share the couple.
Q. What can in-laws do to make it easier on a new couple around the holidays?
A. Try to let the new couple decide how they want to balance it, and don't take their decision as a personal insult.
Q. Is the holiday season harder on men or women?
A. Women. In married couples, men tend not to be as close to their family of origin as women are. Usually the woman feels much more obligated in general than the man. Women are supposed to create the holiday; they are responsible for the emotional family, shopping, cooking and so forth.
Q. What about kids and stepkids?
A. Then you also have the responsibility of making it a special thing for them to remember. It becomes a big job. There's a shift as the couple emerges. More and more as they grow older, they want the holiday to be theirs. They'll want their own traditions and their own home. It's hard to travel with young children. Plus, their parents are getting older and aren't as excited about taking on the holidays. I think it does evolve.
Q. What about couples who celebrate different holidays?
A. The couple needs to talk that out. Very often what happens is that they don't talk it out; they don't see it as an issue. Religion isn't terribly important to younger people; it becomes more important as you get older and have children.
Q. What advice do you have for newlyweds as the holidays approach?
A. Remember your marriage ceremony. Your task is to be loyal to your spouse and to make these decisions as a unit. This is how marriages survive. Treat each other with respect and consideration; this person is the most important person in your life.