Only a plague could explain these ridiculous police calls

One caller reported a fistfight between two 7-year-olds because parents couldn't split them up.
By MARALINE KUBIK
VINDICATOR STAFF WRITER
After only a few months covering a police beat, I can't help but wonder if the Mahoning Valley has been hit with a plague that transforms seemingly reasonable people into lunatics.
Judging from the police reports I've read, the plague has hit pretty hard. Why else would a stay-at-home mom storm through her back yard and hurl obscenities at a neighbor simply because the neighbor told Mommy's kid it was time to go home?
When the neighbor told Mommy she'd had enough of her kid for the day, Mommy dropped her drawers, slapped her bare buttocks and huffed all the way home.
As insane as this sounds, the neighbor took an even deeper dive off the bridge of reason.
She called the cops to tell on Mommy.
What did she think the police would do?
Rush over to Mommy's house and spank her?
Many moons ago, I would have been shocked by this behavior, but reading police reports day after day has opened my eyes to the incredulous things people do.
Kids and road kill
Another parent called police for help when two 7-year-olds got into a fistfight. It seems the kids were too big, too strong and too bossy for parents to settle the dispute.
Drivers and small animals have been hit with the plague too.
When one crazed squirrel darted in front of a car and got a good clunk on the head from a passing car, the driver went into a frenzy.
She phoned police in a state of near hysteria to report that the squirrel turned circles in the street in a wild, dizzying dance before tripping over a curb and dropping over cold.
The driver wasn't sure if the squirrel was dead or exhausted. She wanted police to check; if the squirrel was knocking back a few Zs, the police could rush it to the vet for a checkup; if its lights were out for good, they could bury it.
The last I noticed, police officers sported badges, not shovels.
Maybe the hysterical driver knows something I don't.
When a storm knocked the power out, the telephone in the police station rang nonstop. Many of the callers wanted to make sure the police knew the lights were out.
With the whole city in the dark, I'm betting they knew.
A few callers wanted to know when power would be restored. One in particular was especially insistent on pinning down a time. He informed the police dispatcher that he had ice cream in the freezer and he didn't want it to melt.
I love ice cream too, but I can't understand this guy's emergency. If the power is out so long that the freezer starts to thaw, couldn't he eat his way through the meltdown?
It doesn't end there
When a pile of tires caught fire, the phone rang incessantly too. Callers not only wanted to know when the fire would be extinguished but who the city would send to wash away the oily black soot that blanketed their houses.
With a sly smile, the responding officer suggested the caller contact the fire department.
Another caller requested immediate assistance when two deputy sheriffs showed up at her door. The deputies were in full uniform, arrived in a cruiser and said they were serving a court order, but she wanted city police to check to see if they were legitimate. After all, they could be a couple of crusty criminals masquerading as lawmen.
Other callers have complained of birds chirping too loudly, too many children in their neighborhoods, piles of dog dirt on their lawns and neighbors who walk on their grass.
One guy even called to report that his brother was choking his turkeys. He didn't say why. Could it be they raised the turkeys for dinner and big brother was hungry?
All of these stories -- as ridiculous as they sound -- came from actual police reports, most filed within the last few months.
Crazy as they may be, it's all in a day's work for officers who somehow manage to maintain their sanity.
I'd like to know their secret.
kubik@vindy.com