Gift ideas for those in need

One of the perks of being a sportswriter -- along with four-figure salaries, bad column pictures and hate mail -- is that you get to peer inside the lives of famous sports figures.
Or, in my case, their Christmas lists.
It's officially the shopping season and years of multi-million dollar contracts and adoring fans have some athletes -- and their fans -- downright giddy this time of year.
That feeling has even rubbed off on me. So, in the spirit of giving, I'd like to share those super-secret lists with you.
Ohio State: You may have heard about Steve Bellisari's recent "incident" with the Columbus police department. To show there's no hard feelings, Bellisari is going to give them the new "Bellisari Baby Doll." This hot new toy teaches your kid to say the alphabet backward ("Z, X, T... wait, let me start over"), touch his nose ("If I remember right, it's directly above where I put that brown liquid") and lie ("I let everyone down by my actions and for that I am extremely sorry ...").
Ohio State football fans are sending thank-you notes to Yankees minor league third baseman -- and former Michigan quarterback --Drew Henson.
Cavs coach John Lucas is giving area fans this year's hottest new Christmas costume: The empty blue seat. "Share in the spirit of togetherness and dress like thousands of others at every Cavaliers game!"
On Dec. 2, Steelers owner Dan Rooney will give the first 10,000 fans at Heinz Field the new Plaxico Burress doll. ("Its hands are made of stone -- just like the real Plaxico!")
Members of the Dawg Pound are giving each of the Browns' newest criminals -- Gerard Warren, Mike Sellers and Lamar Chapman -- a copy of the board game "Clue." (They can use one.)
And in the spirit of the season, Burress -- host of the infamous party that Warren attended -- was expected to issue an apology any day now. Something along the lines of "I really dropped the ball on this one."
The Harding football team will give coach --and self-admitted pessimist -- Thom McDaniels a big thermos of eggnog to help ease the pain from losing to St. Ignatius. ("Great gift guys, but it's 10 percent empty.")
Just kidding, coach.
Local public school fans have raised enough money to buy embroidered handkerchiefs and lots of cheese (to go with a certain beverage) for every Ursuline football fan.
Consequently, Ursuline football fans are sending replica state championship rings to those who give them handkerchiefs.
Parents of Pittsburgh hockey fans are forgoing Mario Lemieux jerseys for the hottest in Pens' sports apparel: casts. ("You too can dress like your favorite Penguin star!")
Indians: New Tribe GM Mark Shapiro has already received two Christmas gifts: John Rocker's contract and a dessert with nuts and candied fruit. He's looking to unload the fruitcake, but he'll probably keep the dessert.
Of course, some of you might even want to give your favorite sports hero a Christmas gift. I suggest buying copies of "A Charlie Brown Christmas." It has something for everyone.
For football coach Jon Heacock, there's Lucy's line to Snoopy, "Yes, he even makes a good Penguin."
For baseball's newest free agents -- Jason Giambi, Bret Boone and Barry Bonds -- there's Sally's line to Charlie Brown, "All I want is what's coming to me. All I want is my fair share." (Good grief.)
For Major League Baseball commissioner Bud Selig and his fellow owners, there's Linus' line, "You're the only one I know who can take a wonderful season like Christmas and turn it into a problem."
And if you're wondering how to say Merry Christmas to a certain sportswriter this holiday season, how about a generous contribution to the "Paying off college loans for Joey fund"?
Don't sweat the amount, just remember what Charlie Brown's sister Sally said.
Send tens and twenties.
XJoe Scalzo is a sportswriter for The Vindicator. Write him at scalzo@vindy.com.