Cheers! Welcome to racing, folks

Welcome back to the third-annual Bob's Big Boy Energizer 500 at Arkansas Motor Speedway in Little Rock, where Ward Burton has just slipped into fourth place after Michael Waltrip passed out from heat exhaustion and skidded into a wall.
I'm Charlie Murphy alongside Jimmy Lambert. Thanks for joining us on a gorgeous afternoon for action-packed racing. Tell me, Jimmy, what do you expect to see today?
"Well, I wager we'll see some left turnin' and pit stoppin'! Yahoo!"
Don't forget fast drivin'!
"Vroom-Vroom!"
The scene
We're on lap 23, and so far we've seen some superb action as Dale Earnhardt Jr. leads the pack, followed by Rusty Wallace, Bobby Labonte, Ward Burton and Ricky Rudd.
Let's go down to our sideline reporter, Johnny Baker, for an update on Waltrip's car...
Wait, I've just been informed that years of engine noise have finally taken their toll on Johnny's ears, so as soon as he regains hearing, we'll get that update.
"I know one thing, pardner, it sure is hot out there! Yahoo!"
And it's a great day for racing fans, as more than 100,000 came out to pack the grandstand. And before I forget, let me remind you that it's been 12 days since our last fan fatality, so congratulations to NASCAR for keeping people safe.
Wait a minute
"Not so fast there, pardner! Looks like Ricky Craven just swerved into a wall, causing his fender to hit a fat bald man in the crowd, knocking him unconscious."
You know that means ...
"Sure do! A caution lap!"
While we have a moment, let's thank our official crash sponsor for the Bob's Big Boy Energizer 500 -- Budweiser! Budweiser would like to remind you that nothing goes better with fast driving than an ice-cold Bud!
"Fast drivin' and hard drinkin' -- Yahoo!"
Let's go down to Johnny Baker for an update on the crash.
"CHARLIE, IT LOOKS LIKE CRAVEN'S FENDER SHOT OFF INTO THE CROWD AND BOUNCED OFF THE HEAD OF A FAN, KNOCKING HIM OUT AND SPILLING HIS BEER!"
Johnny, what happened to the fan?
"NO, NO, HE WAS DRINKING OUT OF A CUP, NOT A CAN."
"I like to drink straight from the tap, pardner. Course, then the blood rushes to my brain and I pass out!"
Is that how you got that scar on your forehead?
"Nah, that's from my ex-wife."
Back to the race
Let's update you on what's happening, as Rusty Wallace just rammed into the side of Dale Earnhardt Jr.'s car but couldn't pass him.
"They're killing each other out there!"
Which reminds me to thank the National Rifle Association for sponsoring today's race. One of the big surprises so far is the showing of Cletus Yokellium, who's driving the No. 29 Kia Spectra. Cletus complained about the spoiler height requirements for Kias and just this past week NASCAR allowed Cletus to lower his spoiler by 1/8 of an inch.
"I didn't agree with that, pardner. It's a crying shame. One minute they're lowering spoiler heights, the next minute they're going to require shoulder harnesses for all them G-forces."
Uh, they do require shoulder harnesses.
"Well, my point stands. Today it's spoiler heights, tomorrow it's seat belts. ... I'm telling you, Charlie, they're ruining the sport."
What did you just call this?
XJoe Scalzo is a sportswriter for The Vindicator. Write him at scalzo@vindy.com.