Bell choice for April fool

April Fool's Day has not yet arrived, but already we have contenders for Major League Baseball's "Fool of the Year."
The nominees are:
* Ruben Rivera, most recently an outfielder with the New York Yankees until he was caught stealing a bat and glove out of teammate Derek Jeter's locker.
Rivera, who was being paid about a $1 million a season to play a child's game (as opposed to working), earned $2,500 for selling his ill-gotten booty.
Said Rivera after being released: "Everyone makes mistakes. I haven't killed anybody. It was just a moment when I wasn't thinking right. I've repented."
* Ricky Ledee, once an outfielder with the Yankees, Cleveland Indians and Texas Rangers, and now with the Philadelphia Phillies.
Ledee, who also receives paychecks with lots of zeroes on them, is happier in Pennsylvania, saying, "It was nice winning in New York, but there you're expected to win every year. There's pressure to win."
Expectations: Pressure on professional athletes to deliver upon their promise (not to mention their paycheck)? Oh, the humanity.
* Derek Bell, the future former right-fielder of the Pittsburgh Pirates who hit .173 last season.
This week, Bell warns he'll go into "shutdown" mode and won't risk injuring himself if he's not handed the Bucs' right-fielder's job.
The former Toronto Blue Jay, San Diego Padre, Houston Astro and New York Met, who signed a two-year, $9 million contract last winter, says, "If there is competition, they better eliminate me out of the race and go ahead and do what they're going to do with me. I ain't never hit in spring training and I never will.
"If it ain't settled with me out there, then they can trade me. I ain't going out there to hurt myself in spring training battling for a job. If it is [a competition], then I'm going into 'Operation Shutdown.' Tell them exactly what I said. I haven't competed for a job since 1991."
And the Doofus goes to:
Bell.
What a fool.
Another chance: There's no excuse for the stupidity Rivera showed in pilfering a teammate's private possessions for pocket change. But you know and I know that someone will pick up his contract and give him another chance.
Heck, even the Cleveland Indians were among the teams reported to have considered picking up Rivera until they thought better.
But Bell's brain-lock is unsurpassed.
Only a professional athlete whose life has been blessed with a winning lottery ticket at a too-early age could assume that his job is secure no matter how poorly he plays and how few paying customers he puts into the stands.
Last year on Opening Day, Bell was booed, perhaps unfairly because it wasn't his fault then-Pirates general manager Cam Bonifay overpaid by about $7 million for Bell's services.
Final straw: Bell's signing was the final straw in Bonifay's 81/2-year tenure of futility with the Bucs.
The boos continued in late summer, long after Bonifay's presence was reduced to spectator, because Bell did nothing at the plate or in the field to make Pirates fans feel they were getting their money's worth.
PNC Park is a beautiful place to watch a baseball game, but fans want to see a team at least try to win. Or at least has the wisdom to keep quiet when they don't care to try.
"Operation Shutdown?" Oh yes, that will have them lined up at the ticket windows.
Imagine a customer telling walking up and saying, "I'd like to sit real close to the field and pay extra to watch the guy who doesn't feel he has to try. Thanks."
Actually, Bell's comments could eventually help the Pirates sell tickets -- once he's released and sent packing.
XTom Williams is a sportswriter for The Vindicator. Write him at williams@vindy.com.