GAIL WHITE The chore war: getting the kids to pitch in

"Why do I have to do everything around here?"
"This isn't fair! I do all the work!"
"I never get to have fun!"
Each of our children, at one time or another, has gone through the woes of being "big enough." From the grumbling that has come from behind the bedroom door when cleaning up, to the foot-stomping fits when asked to do some work outside, our children have all experienced the feeling that being bigger wasn't a whole lot of fun.
It is hard for a child to understand why a little bit of work and some chores are as much a part of a day as playing and having fun.
This is especially difficult to understand when there are younger children in the house with whom to compare workloads.
It is all a part of the growing-up process that needs to be explained to a child with more than a rote "because-I-told-you-to-do-it" explanation.
Big picture: There is a bigger purpose behind putting toys away than just having a clean room. Picking up the sticks in the yard is more significant than simply being able to cut the grass.
Children, of course, do not want to hear about the bigger purpose. Developing a work ethic just simply does not relate to their happy-go-lucky world.
What they will understand, however, is a simple talk about responsibilities and privileges The more responsibilities they have, the more privileges they are given.
A child needs to understand that although he does more, he also gets to do more. He may have eight or 10 daily chores and several weekly tasks, but his fun time and play opportunities are greater than when he was expected to do only a few things.
Lessons: As parents, we are very much aware of that bigger purpose. Small responsibilities lead to bigger responsibilities, which lead to life responsibilities.
It is important to make mistakes, pay the consequences and learn from the experience with small responsibilities to prepare for the life responsibilities.
Our goal is to instill this important value in our children with the least amount of complaining on their part and yelling on ours. Explaining how responsibilities and privileges work together eliminates much of children's foot-stomping, door-slamming and muttering under the breath.
Responsibilities can be discussed in specific terms in regard to certain tasks, yet also in a general sense of an attitude of helpfulness when asked to do a chore not on a list.
Maximize the privileges. Emphasize the many privileges a child has in the course of a day -- everything from staying up later to away-from-home activities is a privilege. Simply commenting on activities as he starts to do them will help him realize how much he gets to do, and this minimizes and justifies, in the child's mind, how much he has to do.
Discipline: Children's understanding their responsibilities also acts as a disciplinary device for parents. When the responsibilities are not met, privileges are taken away. When this is established, parents find it easier to be more consistent in their discipline, and the children learn that they reap what they sow.
Creating this understanding also takes the bad-guy image off the parents. The issue is out of their hands; responsibility is to blame.
Even after a child has a full understanding of his responsibilities, though, he still isn't likely to joyfully sing through his chores and accomplish each task with a heartfelt smile. But understanding how the privileges fit in is that spoonful of sugar that helps the medicine go down.