Wisdom and hope for the new year

Last New Year's, I resolved to do two things:
1. Buy a brown belt.
2. Get a library card.
(I swear I'm not making this up.)
The belt symbolized financial independence. The library card symbolized a commitment to learning. (I know I'm never going to stop biting my nails, so why make resolutions I know I won't keep?)
As one of last year's success stories, I'd like to share my suggestions for those athletes who still haven't decided on this year's resolutions.
With one minor change.
Since resolutions tend to be somewhat lofty and unattainable (i.e. quit smoking, lose weight, stop hating soccer), we're going to stick to realistic goals. Achievable goals. Things that won't leave us sullen and depressed at this time next year.
Away we go ...
How about a lineman? For Browns executives Dwight Clark and Carmen Policy: We Cleveland fans can be downright cynical at times. In 2000, we moaned when you used our second-round pick on some mediocre wideout who should have went in the third round. ("Dennis Northcutt? Who's he?") Then, in 2001, we moaned when you used our second-round pick on some mediocre wideout who should have went in the third round. ("Quincy Morgan? Who's he?")
In 2002, you should resolve to do something different. Use the second pick on a no-name wideout that should have went in the fourth round. If you hear complaints, ignore them. There's just no pleasing some people.
For NBC, which is broadcasting February's Winter Olympics: Resolve to show more figure skating. The 18 hours you routinely broadcast are not enough to satisfy the demand.
You should also resolve to stop hiring such captivating broadcasters. It's not fair for other networks to compete with the immortal Scott Hamilton and Bob Costas on the same night.
For Monday Night Football sideline reporter Eric Dickerson: Resolve to tone down your insightfulness -- some reporters are getting insecure. Also, we would love to hear more about your playing career, so maybe you could resolve to tell us about it every five minutes or so.
Chill out, Randy: For Minnesota Vikings wideout Randy Moss: Resolve to stop pandering to the fans and media so much. Start enjoying the benefits of being a professional athlete. Act aloof! Take plays off! Get arrested for drunken driving and half-heartedly apologize! All will be forgiven.
For Indians general manager Mark Shapiro: Resolve to stop making so many brilliant trades. (Robby Alomar for the immortal Matt Lawton? Sure genius.)
For Steelers quarterback Kordell Stewart: No resolutions, just a reminder: You are Kordell Stewart, not Terry Bradshaw, so start acting like it. February is bad enough without the Steelers in the Super Bowl.
For Cavaliers center Zydrunas Ilgauskas: Resolve to stop giving me hope. Just put us out of our misery and have your inevitable foot injury.
For Cavaliers forward Lamond Murray and shooting guard Wes Person: Resolve to stop playing such tenacious defense. You'll wear yourselves out by midseason and then the Cavs might not win this year's NBA Finals.
And, finally, for Browns coach Butch Davis: Again, no resolutions. But after sweeping Baltimore and making Browns football fun again, maybe you should run for mayor.
Of course, in the spirit of self-improvement, I should probably make a resolution myself.
So I resolve to never again write a sarcastic column poking fun at professional athletes, hockey, soccer, or my beloved -- yet woeful -- Cavaliers.
Starting tomorrow.
XJoe Scalzo is a sportswriter for The Vindicator. Write him at scalzo@vindy.com.