DIANE MAKAR MURPHY Parenting book gets back to the basics

The driveway to Sarah Adams' Streetsboro home is long, running through a hilly expanse of grass, and around back of (what strikes this suburban kid) as a sprawling farmhouse. I park before a large attached garage and am delighted to see a short-haired dog wiggling its way toward me.
"Which door do I go in?" I ask, looking at a winding stone staircase in one direction and a patio in another. Music seems to come from nowhere in particular.
The pup walks politely up the shrubbery-lined stairs, and I follow her to a door opposite a greenhouse. I knock and wait.
"Where is everybody, girl? Come on, take me to another door." At this, my guide wags her way back down the stairs and waits patiently as I knock again. No answer.
Without prompting, the pup leads me around the garage, and back toward the front of the house, depositing me at the side door, where I peer in at a house I instantly love.
It is warm and friendly. Lots of furniture. Wood floors that invite you to keep your shoes on. And, finally, a smiling woman who greets me with a warm handshake and apologies for not hearing me sooner. Her hair is pulled back in a bun which rests just above a light blue turtleneck inside a denim shirt, above a long skirt.
This is Sarah Adams -- wife, mother of three and author. These roles are intertwined in Adams' book, "As Ye Sow." It is a parenting memoir that gives tips and a clear, doable philosophy of mothering.
Mother's influence: Though Adams has a degree in education from Hiram, and teaching experience, she credits her mother with giving her the parenting ideals she holds. "I had a mother with a very together sense of parenting," she said. "She just knew what it took and had a natural instinct for raising kids."
One such ideal is "Privilege follows responsibility."
"Modern-day love makes us worse parents," Adams said, "We feel if we demand something, we aren't loving. We think unattached love means we are serving [our children], buying for them, giving to them … But, if everything is freely given, nothing has value."
"We give away privilege because we want to appear loving," Sarah added. "We fear it is unloving to place demands on our children. But love is separate from having people do things."
Work comes before fun in Sarah's philosophy and house. "I say, 'If all the homework is done this week, we'll have pizza Friday night.' Or, 'After you practice violin, we'll go swimming.'"
Sarah gave another example of privilege following responsibility. "If they leave their shoes around, the next time we shop for shoes, I'm buying uncool ones. If I see pants on the floor, I say, 'I'm taking note those pants are on the floor the next time we go to the GAP.' I give them a time frame to remedy the situation. And I follow through."
Who makes decisions: Another, almost revolutionary view in this day, is Adams' contention that decision-making is not learned from practice. She said, "A modern mistake is that people ask their child, 'Do you want to pick up your toys now or later?' Because they practice shoe tying and walking, we think they have to practice decision-making. We think telling our children what to do will interfere with their ability to make decisions. But if we want them to decide when they're 3, we're telling them they will get to decide when they're 13! The base is, we are the authority, not the child."
"Decision-making is not learned by practice," she insisted, "but by consequence."
Other tips include not being too serious. "If I say make your bed and come down for breakfast, can I not light a candle at the breakfast table? Our fear is that we'll be Puritans. But the truth is, discipline liberates us and our children."
Another tip is to always end the day on a positive note. "Talk to each child at bedtime. They need to go to sleep feeling good about themselves. End the day right." But remember, Adams said, "This is building-up time, not correcting time."
Available for lectures: Besides being available in Adams' book, parenting tips are part of several lectures she presents. Adams has talks on decision-making, responsibility, praise and even shyness (what she thinks is a too oft-ignored problem for some children).
"As Ye Sow" is available through Amazon.com and by calling (888) 319-0885. That number can also be used to schedule a parenting lecture by Adams.
As for dog training -- which Adams is obviously equally talented at -- I already borrowed the manual she used for that.