Saturday, February 27, 2010
Dear Annie: My wife and I have been happy together for 25 years. When her adult son lost his job, we let him move in with us so he could get back on his feet. Three years later, he is no better off than the day he arrived.
“Joe” will find a good job, work for a while and then quit. Sometimes he won’t get out of bed until the afternoon. He contributes absolutely nothing toward the bills.
I am angry that we are living paycheck to paycheck because of the extra money we spend to feed and house Joe. He is wasting his life. I’ve suggested he move in with his father, who lives in another state. My wife says, “If it bothers you, say something to him.”
Annie, I resent that she is putting this problem in my hands instead of dealing with it herself. I know it bothers her, too. I want my home back without the extra baggage. What do I do? Lost in My Own Home
Dear Lost: Your wife is asking you to be the bad guy so she doesn’t have to be. We recommend you take her up on it. First make sure you and your wife agree on the message. Then tell Joe you can no longer afford to support him. Insist he get some type of job within two weeks and begin paying a reasonable amount of rent. If he doesn’t like it, he is welcome to live elsewhere. Joe should not be able to appeal to Mom for a better deal, so make sure she backs you.
Dear Annie: Boy, did I see our family when I read the letter from “Frustrated Mom in Michigan City,” whose 14-year-old son doesn’t turn in his homework or feed the dog, but spends hours on computer games.
When our son was 14, the computer games seemed harmless. He is 21 now. He dropped out of college and has an entry-level job and no future. I wish we had cut the games off completely when his marks were low. My Avatar is General Mom
Dear General: Our readers had an interesting mix of responses to that letter, but many recommended unplugging the computer. Read on:
From South Bend, Ind.: My 16-year-old daughter is a high-functioning autistic. She has delusions that she will be a marine biologist, but has to have an assistant simply to keep her on task. Her psychiatrist said she may improve with intense behavioral therapy, but reality will never come close to meshing with her fantasy world. Many of these high-functioning children suffer from ADD to OCD-like behaviors. They seem so intelligent, but they have no common sense. I suggest this mom take her son to their family doctor.
Davenport, Iowa: I would recommend she find a good neurosurgeon and schedule a spine transplant. She should then tell her son he gets one hour per day of gaming, after which he can read a book or throw a Frisbee. There is only one activity that can compete with the allure of computers for teenage boys: a Ping-Pong table with a good stereo next to it.
Chicago: My son was also very bright and absolutely unmotivated to do anything but play computer games. I know now he was addicted. He ballooned to 280 pounds, was irritable, lied about schoolwork and would have spent every minute at his computer eating fast food in his underwear if we had let him. Mom must be in charge of computer access and food. He’ll make life a living hell until he knows you won’t back down.
Montana: As a teacher, I have seen many children with the same problems. Parents need to reserve computer games as a reward after a child has finished all homework and chores. Many children this age retreat into the alternate reality of computer games because they find success in that world. Parents need to help them find success in the real world.
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