Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Dear Annie: My daughter, “Mattie,” is 23 and has a 1-year-old daughter. She moved in with us when she found out she was pregnant and is still here. She has since lost her job and does nothing. She gets unemployment and some child support from the loser father, and apparently that is enough for her.
We are at our wits’ end. If it weren’t for my husband and me, our granddaughter wouldn’t have diapers or baby food. We are afraid to kick Mattie out because it would only hurt our grandchild, and Mattie knows it. All my daughter cares about is going out and having fun. She acts as if the baby is an inconvenience. She lies on the couch and lets the baby roam around the house unsupervised.
I work nights and my husband is on the swing shift. It’s getting hard to do this. I never expected to start raising another family this late in life. We love our granddaughter with all our hearts and would do anything for her, but we don’t know what that is anymore. Any suggestions? Struggling Grandparents
Dear Struggling: At some point, you’re going to have to decide whether you are willing to throw Mattie out of the house. Tell your daughter you’ve had enough of her freeloading and she can stay only if she gets a job and contributes to the household. Make sure she understands that she is setting a horrible example for her daughter. Help her look for employment and an apartment. If necessary, offer to keep the baby while she moves out. It won’t solve your problem now, but it will force Mattie to get her act together, which will help all of you in the long run.
Dear Annie: I have been dating a great guy for six months. He is wonderful, attentive, caring and treats me like a princess. “Tom” has two children from his first marriage, which broke up because his ex had an affair with a neighbor. He forgave her, but she cheated again, so he divorced her. They keep in contact because of the kids, and she constantly calls him.
My problem is that I am secretly jealous of his ex. It’s not that he talks about her in an affectionate way — he doesn’t. But I’ve asked him questions about the way they met and such, and he describes a relationship that sounds ideal, as if they were soul mates.
We don’t have that kind of relationship, and while Tom assures me often that he loves me, he adds that each love is different. He says he wants to marry me, but I can’t get past the fact that he loved his ex and made a life with her for 12 years, and that they would still be together if she hadn’t cheated. What should I do? Green Eyes
Dear Green Eyes: Are you looking for trouble? Of course Tom loved his wife, but if you obsess over it, you’re going to mess up whatever chance you have for a life with this man. Here’s the only question that matters: If his ex could convince him that she wants him back, would he go? If the answer is “no,” then get over it. If the answer is something else, cut him loose.
Dear Annie: “Confused Out West” says her husband volunteers to referee. He may be lying.
My husband has been a referee for years. He gets paid for these assignments. Even the YMCA pays their refs. Sure, we have to put out some money for uniforms and gas, but he makes up for it during the season. And the hotel expenses are usually covered.
Almost every sports organization pays for refereeing, especially if they are organized enough to hold out-of-town tournaments. If she has questions, she can contact any state athletic association. M.S.
Dear M.S.: We don’t have all the details on the man’s arrangements, but we hope his wife will look into the matter.
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