Saturday, May 24, 2008
Dear Annie: I was close to both my parents growing up, but not so close to my siblings. My father died a year ago. Although we were all involved in caring for him, I was the one who helped him plan his funeral. When he died, I placed in his hands a personal note, along with pictures of his great-grandchildren.
One of my brothers removed the note and read it to my other siblings in the limousine on the way to the cemetery. (I was in another car.) Last week, my sister confessed to me that all of them laughed at my final, personal words to my dad. She was remorseful and thought I should know.
What kind of people do such hateful things? Dad’s Daughter
Dear Daughter: We’re not certain what really happened in that limo, but we can assure you that people often have peculiar reactions when a loved one dies. We’ve heard from readers who have burst out laughing during the memorial service, giggled at the graveside, stolen flowers and mementoes, blurted out insulting comments — and none of it means they are not grieving deeply.
These are often uncontrolled coping mechanisms, albeit inappropriate. And it sounds as if Dad may have been closer to you than your siblings, which could have engendered some jealousy. We also question the wisdom of your sister, who cleared her conscience at your expense, although she probably thought she was doing the right thing. It serves no purpose to hang on to this hurt. Please try to forgive them.
Dear Annie: I recently received an invitation to the wedding of a close friend, “Irene.” During our conversations, Irene has been saying things like, “Only 20 days until the marriage.” But, Annie, the date on the invitation is not the same as the one she keeps telling me is approaching.
When I questioned Irene, she hemmed and hawed and finally admitted the actual ceremony is on a different date and the invitations are for the reception — which will be three months after the marriage.
Is this common? I should also add that the ceremony is local, so travel is not a problem. I am a little hurt and miffed. I will send a gift, but do I need to go to the reception? Not Close Enough
Dear Not Close: It is not uncommon to have a separate reception, weeks or even months after the marriage, if, for example, the wedding is immediate family only, a closed religious ceremony, at the local courthouse, an elopement, or is rushed because the bride is pregnant or one of them must leave for military service, etc. The only reason to be offended is if other friends of your stature were invited to the ceremony. Otherwise, please attend the reception and have a great time.
Dear Annie: I had to make the hardest phone call of my life. I called the police to arrest my 16-year-old son. I’ve been dealing with his marijuana addiction since he was 13. I was always watching him, searching his room, his pockets and even his friends. I have talked, begged and pleaded with him to stop using, to no avail.
Five months ago, I found a bag of marijuana in his room and turned him in. He was given six months’ probation and 25 hours of community service. When I found pot in his room two nights ago, I called the police. He now sits in juvenile detention awaiting trial on probation violations.
I am sure I am his biggest enemy right now, but I hope one day he will realize I am trying to save his life. The drug dealers don’t care about our children. I don’t want advice. I just want to share my story. Mom in Virginia
Dear Mom: We know this has been hard for you. You didn’t ask for advice, but please look into BILY (becauseIloveyou.org), P.O. Box 2062, Winnetka, CA 91396-2062.
X E-mail your questions to anniesmailbox@comcast.net or write to: Annie’s Mailbox‚Ñ¢, P.O. Box 118190, Chicago, IL 60611.
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