Sunday, January 27, 2008
Dear Annie: My husband and his sister were adopted from a foreign country when they were both young teenagers. His adoptive father was a wise and caring man, but his adoptive mother and their biological daughter were never accepting.
When Dad died, my husband and his sister were not allowed to say their goodbyes. They told my husband to go to the funeral home, not the house, but there was no casket and he never had a chance to say his final, personal farewell.
Words cannot describe what this did to my husband. He has yet to begin grieving the loss of the hero who saved his life and helped him become the man he is today.
There has been very little contact with this so-called family since the funeral. Frankly, I don’t care if I see any of them again. So far, my husband has had no desire to contact his adoptive family, but I fear someday he may. What am I supposed to do then? I don’t think I can sit in the same room with these people and pretend nothing happened.
Would it be OK to tell my husband that he can see his “family,” but I won’t go and neither will our children? I’m afraid if I say that, it would put a strain on our marriage. Related to the Cruelest Hypocrites of the Century
Dear Related: You do not have to go with your husband to see his adoptive family, but you shouldn’t discourage him from going, nor should you prevent your children from seeing these relatives. That should be your husband’s decision. We might add that if he decides to spend time with these people, it would be an enormous help to have you by his side. Your job under these circumstances is not to be the aggrieved victim. It is to be a source of support for the person you love.
Dear Annie: Last week, my husband and I went to a wonderful concert sung by a famous singer. But I knew I was not going to enjoy it to the fullest when the orchestra started playing and the woman beside me started to hum.
We had great seats that were costly. I wanted to ask this woman to keep quiet, but decided against it. I thought of having an usher speak to her, but I didn’t want to stand up and interrupt other people’s enjoyment of the concert.
This is not the first time something like this has happened. Once, during “The Nutcracker,” a mother sitting behind us explained the whole play to her daughter, yakking throughout the entire performance. What is the best way to deal with annoying people at a public performance? Hummed Out in Prospect, Conn.
Dear Prospect: We’re going to give a semi-pass to the woman who explained “The Nutcracker” to her daughter because that performance is intended for children and it helps if they understand what is going on. However, she should have done it more quietly. As for the Hummer, it is perfectly OK to say politely, “I’m sure you don’t realize your humming is audible. I’d be grateful if you’d tone it down.” If she won’t stop, it’s worth finding an usher. Some people arrogantly believe the price of a ticket entitles them to disturb everyone else. It does not.
Dear Annie: This is for “Living in a Time Warp,” the 62-year-old woman who objected to her fiancé’s furniture. She says she does not intend to marry him. In that case, he is not her fiancé. He is just her live-in.
A fiancé is a man who is engaged to be married, although I have often heard it used inappropriately to indicate a live-in relationship. Perhaps it is time we create a word to cover her situation. P.
Dear P.: We fondly remember the term “POSSLQ,” which means “Person of the Opposite Sex Sharing Living Quarters.” It didn’t catch on.
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