Saturday, December 27, 2008
Dear Annie: I am a 34-year-old woman and met “Marc” a year ago. Marc is 45 and divorced with three kids. We hit it off from the start and have been going strong for 10 months. Marc is a terrific guy who treats me well and is a wonderful father to his children. I love him deeply and want to spend my life with him.
The problem is, I want to have a baby. I love Marc’s kids and would treat them as my own, but they live with their mother and we see them only every other weekend and on certain holidays. I want to be a full-time mom, but Marc doesn’t want any more kids and even had a vasectomy to make sure. I asked him about reversing the vasectomy, but he isn’t interested.
I was diagnosed with a fertility problem several years ago and was told I would have difficulty getting pregnant. The doctor said adoption would be the best choice, but Marc doesn’t want to raise another child. Kids are expensive and he already pays quite a bit in child support. But I have wanted to be a mother since I can remember and cannot imagine being content otherwise.
I’ve never met a man I’ve cared about more than Marc, and now my desire to raise a child with him is even greater. But I know marrying him means I won’t have a child of my own, adopted or otherwise. I don’t know what to do. Perplexed
Dear Perplexed: This is a deal-breaker. While many women find fulfillment in mothering other people’s children through teaching, volunteering, baby sitting, etc., we cannot promise this will work for you. If you believe you will be increasingly resentful of Marc’s unwillingness to raise a child, you must break it off. Sorry.
Dear Annie: I would like to say a few words about Christmas newsletters. I got one yesterday, and it depressed me so much that I cried most of the afternoon.
Please, people, try to be a bit more sensitive when you write up these glowing reports of all the wonderful things you have accomplished during the year. Not all of us are as fortunate as you. The holidays only remind us of everything we have lost.
All it takes is a downturn like a lost job, an injury, serious illness, natural disaster or a death to end everything you are bragging about. There are no guarantees in life. You can lose everything in the blink of an eye.
My husband died four years ago, leaving me with nothing. Since then I have endured the death of my mother and a dear friend, the loss of a job, and the near death of my daughter and grandson in childbirth. I work two jobs just to be able to heat my house and buy food. I have a college education, but never expected to support myself at this age.
In the future, I would appreciate it if you would cut me from the mailing list. Send my copy of your newsletter to one of the fancy friends you are trying to impress. It does not impress me. Be happy, but please don’t rub everyone else’s nose in it. K.
Dear K.: Many people love Christmas newsletters because it gives them an opportunity to catch up on news of family and friends. But when a newsletter is simply a brag sheet, no one enjoys reading it. We hope our readers will remember to temper their enthusiasm with thoughtfulness.
Dear Annie: “Embarrassed Daughter-in-Law” didn’t like her mother-in-law’s poor English. Years ago, when my son was little, we depended on an older neighbor to provide child-care services. I cringed every time she spoke. But she gave our son loving, caring attention. It was not my job to correct her, nor would I dare insult her. Values like integrity, honesty and fairness are worth far more than the correctness of her English. Dis Ol’ Cajun in Easton, Md.
Dear Easton: We couldn’t have said it better.
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