The observations that come from a foul humor

I saw that Charles Prince, the CEO who got booted for making a mess of Citigroup, will get a walk-away package of over $50 million.

It’s one reason no one trusts corporate America. Where, but there, are incompetents rewarded by being made rich for life? I don’t get it.

It’s not the only thing I don’t get.

Why, for example, does Heather Mills keep complaining even though she’s about to walk away from Paul McCartney with a few hundred million dollars?

No matter how carefully I hide the last Oreo Klondike in the freezer, why does someone in my family find and eat it?

And how is anyone supposed to retire on a 401k when every time the Dow climbs to 14,000, it promptly collapses 1,000 points in two weeks?

So today, I’m in a foul humor.

Which leads me to say:

UI don’t want foccacia before a restaurant meal; I want bread. And I don’t want olive oil; I want butter. Why did they stop giving us bread and butter?

UWhy does the opening act never come on until 9:20 p.m., and the main act until 11? No wonder no one over 40 goes to concerts.

UI’m just not sure about naming a store the Dress Barn -- do you really want to sell clothing to women by implying they should be mooing as they peruse your merchandise?

UDear Volvo: It looks cool and all, but seriously -- windshield wipers on headlights? Come on.

U“Demanding girlfriend” is redundant.

UTo be fair, so is “trustworthy boyfriend.”

UI saw a current copy of my high school newspaper and noticed there are now five editors-in-chief. In my time, there was one slot that everyone fought for. I guess having five is the equivalent of giving trophies to every kid on every sports team.

UAnd I think it’s some kind of comment on my being 54 that as far as I can tell, all my high school teachers are now retired.

UO.J. Simpson’s arrest could prove another example of racial prejudice in America. He’ll probably get off again because of it.

UAs far as the tradition of removing price tags from gifts, I’m all right with that when it’s cheap — but if it’s pricey, I want them to know what I spent.

UWhich brings to mind folks who give $1 million anonymous gifts. I admire their modesty, but if I give even $100, I want the building named after me.

UAm I the only one convinced that being bombarded by frequencies from cell towers, TV broadcasts, radio bands and satellites can’t be good?

USpeaking of which, if they can make my cell phone work with a tower that’s three miles away, why can’t they make my household Wi-Fi work one room away? I don’t want to hear about brick walls and insulation; I just want it.

UWhy is it that buying Red Delicious apples is like drawing to an inside straight? Three out of four times, they’re neither sweet nor crisp enough anymore.

UMr. President, if you’re on your way to spending $1 trillion on a questionable war, do you really get to call Congress fiscally irresponsible for pushing legislation for children and water projects?

UAnd remind me, please, how the Republicans have retained the label of fiscal conservatism when they’ve run up the deficit like drunken sailors the last 20-plus years? Wasn’t Clinton the only recent president to deliver a surplus?

UDear Ben Bernanke: With the market down 500 since your last remarks, maybe if you have nothing nice to say, you shouldn’t say anything at all. I miss Alan Greenspan.

X Patinkin writes for the Providence Journal. Distributed by Scripps Howard News Service.