March's 'other' big dance

Someone needs to hold Emmitt Smith accountable for all this. It was he, after all, who showed America that real men can really dance.
Thanks a lot, Emmitt. Because of you, millions of your fellow males can't come up with an excuse good enough to convince their significant others that they shouldn't have to sit around watching couples swirl to music.
With one saucy samba, you did more for dancing than Arthur Murray. Not since John Travolta was strutting his stuff under a disco ball have so many people cared so much.
You beat Jerry Springer, trampled Tucker Carlson and made Harry Hamlin look like he was standing still.
Unfortunately, you also spawned a new generation of imitators. Which is why the Nielsen Media Research people could count me among the households tuned in Monday night for two long hours of the premiere of "Dancing With The Stars."
He really had no clueto their identities
It wasn't my idea. I had no clue who Joey Fatone or Shandi Finnessey were, Leeza Gibbons did nothing to tickle my fancy, and I'm still trying to figure out how the mailman on "Cheers" qualifies as a star 14 years after the last episode was taped.
I watched, because there are no Big Dance games until Thursday. The only athletes on TV were dancing for real.
Plus, I needed to know the answers to some burning questions.
Could Clyde still glide?
Would Apolo Anton Ohno resist the urge to take his partner down coming out of a turn?
And, while her father could float like a butterfly and sting like a bee, could Laila become a champion herself by doing the Ali Shuffle?
The answers came agonizingly slow, making me grateful that I live in this great country, where Nielsen reported recently the average household had 106 stations available in their living rooms.
Actually, I couldn't tell how well any of the athletes did. Unless one of them fell, it all looked pretty much the same to me.
Former NBA star Clyde Drexler has a chance to win. So do Ali and Ohno. But I'm already looking forward to future seasons.
Athletes on the listwho fit requirements
Forget the B-list stars. I've got just the athletes who could make things really interesting:
Tonya Harding: Perfect for the role with her experience on ice and a very competitive nature. Can get frustrated, though, when judges don't treat her right.
Tank Johnson: He was actually a leading candidate for the show, but declined, citing prior obligations elsewhere. Right now the Bears' lineman is serving those obligations in the Cook County Jail in Chicago.
John McEnroe: Not sure how the talent scouts missed him because the former tennis player loves a big stage. He's not much of a dancer, but ratings will soar the first time he gets criticized and responds by screaming in judge Carrie Anna Inaba's face.
Barry Bonds: The only problem will be convincing Bonds that he can't compete by himself. That, and he'll have to remember his partner's name.
Pacman Jones: Actually, the Tennessee Titans' cornerback could become an instructor instead of a contestant. He was last seen promoting the art of dancing by showering more than 40 women with bagfuls of dollar bills on the stage of a Las Vegas strip club.
Tommy Lasorda: Nobody's a bigger ham, and he's got to have picked up some moves after more than a half century in baseball. Besides, he looks better in a tux than a Dodgers uniform.
Shaquille O'Neal: He's nearing the end of his career, and looking for new challenges. Just the idea of Shaq doing the tango would be enough for me to tune in.
Peyton Manning: So the winning Super Bowl quarterback can barely put one foot in front of the other. So what. He's not much of an actor, either, but that didn't stop sponsors from airing his commercials every five minutes during the football season.
Mike Tyson: He once vowed to eat Lennox Lewis' children, and bit off a piece of Evander Holyfield's ear. But can he do a Viennese Waltz?
Pity the poor judge who tells him he can't.
Tim Dahlberg is a national sports columnist for The Associated Press. Write him at tdahlberg@ap.org.
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