Saturday, January 27, 2007
A support group of fellow mourners can also make acceptance of the loss easier.
By MARY ELLEN PELLEGRINI
VINDICATOR CORRESPONDENT
The Marks family is one of many area families dealing with missing loved ones. Whether it is a tragic accident, a mysterious disappearance, a soldier missing in action or another unexplainable absence, not being able to recover a body intensifies the grieving process, said Dr. Dominick Flarey, certified grief counselor, professor of grief counseling and executive director of the American Academy of Grief Counseling in Warren.
"It becomes a more complicated process because so critical to the grieving process are issues around seeing the body and being able to see a loved one at peace or rest," Dr. Flarey explained.
"We're always looking for something to be able to say goodbye, to be able to touch and hug and give a kiss to the body," said Sister Patricia Fesler, aftercare companion for Higgins-Reardon Funeral Homes in Austintown, Canfield and Poland. For those with missing loved ones, mourning is compounded because they have no body to care for.
"Part of the grieving process is ensuring the deceased's body is buried properly. Without that ability, the grief process may take longer," said Phil Roland, grief counselor for Kelley-Robb Funeral Home in Hubbard, who has worked for Dennis Robb for 15 years.
What studies show
Study after study has supported the premise that people who never see the body in a state of death have a harder time accepting the loss, said Dr. Flarey. "Not seeing the body may always leave the grieving person with some speck of doubt," he added.
"When you have no clue to where your loved one is, in the back of your mind, you question whether he or she is still alive," agreed Sister Pat. Roland understands that uncertainty and anguish on a personal level.
When Roland was 14, his 34-year-old father died after being severely burned in a plane crash. The disfiguring injuries necessitated a closed coffin, leaving Roland and his four siblings with doubts. "We kept feeling some day we were going to see him in a crowd or he was going to knock on the door and say it was a mistake and somebody else was on the plane," Roland said. "I'd wake up at night thinking I was going to hear his voice."
Although there was irrefutable evidence that Roland was indeed on the plane, not seeing his deceased father's body robbed the family of a sense of closure, Roland said.
Having unanswered questions makes expressing your sorrow even more important, Sister Pat noted. "Talking about one's pain, anger and sadness is crucial to healing," she said.
What helps
Complicated grief may require the intervention of a qualified counselor or therapist. Some individuals find solace in a support group of fellow grievers. "When people make eye contact and talk to each other directly, they validate each other's pain," said Roland.
Though verbalizing doesn't create instant healing, it does begin the four stage process of healing - accepting the reality of the loss, experiencing the pain of grief, adjusting to an environment without the deceased and transforming the relationship from the present to one of memories.
"The goal of all grieving is to come to a sense of peace that the loved one has moved on from this world and then to establish a relationship with the deceased that is distinctly different from the one when they were present," said Dr. Flarey.
Re-establishing that relationship as well as discovering purpose and meaning in a tragic event helps mourners navigate the path of healing, Roland noted. "Our family went through the grieving process very, very slowly," he said. Eventually all five siblings entered caring professions. "Part of healing is finding meaning out of loss and making life count," he said.