Monday, January 30, 2006
What is the Roman symbol for "Anonymous?"
About the only thing "XL" about this Super Bowl is the jiggling belly of Jerome Bettis, whose body is to sports what Jerry Springer's show used to be to television -- you watch it only to feel better about your own sorry state. A running back hasn't had this kind of midsection undulation since William "The Refrigerator" Perry made the football look like a sunflower seed.
America's biggest sport throws America's biggest party this week, but this Super Bowl somehow has less star power than Skating With Celebrities. Bettis will be the most famous face on the field. A backup running back. A guy who ran for 368 yards this season. Or, in other words, 155 fewer than Sammy Morris had for the Dolphins in 2004.
Bettis is a lovable lug, but his most memorable play this postseason was a fumble. It wasn't returned for a touchdown, only because a season-saving tackle was made by the angry family of tourists that emerged from Bettis' belly button. Pittsburgh quarterback Ben Roethlisberger might have a famous face, too, but we have no proof because the search party that went looking for it was lost in the treacherous underbrush that now surrounds it.
No fame
Seattle quarterback Matt Hasselbeck, good as he is, isn't even the most famous person at his own dinner table some nights. His brother, Tim, married a Survivor contestant who parlayed her TV appearances, including one on Letterman, into a permanent seat on "The View." So when a potential world-wide audience of 1 billion people tunes in next Sunday (to the Super Bowl, not The View), there might be some longing for Tom Brady. Or, at the very least, a player who doesn't need to wear a "hello-my-name-is" tag.
D.J. Hackett? Heath Miller? Jerramy Stevens? Cedrick Wilson? Who are these people? And why do some of them have extra letters in their no-names? And those are skill-position players, mind you. The guys who touch the ball. They aren't nearly as faceless as the gloryless guys who actually, you know, win the games up front.
But this is what happens when the strongest part of both teams is the offensive line. Maybe the reason Shaun Alexander had a record-breaking number of touchdowns this season was because coach Mike Holmgren hadn't ever heard of anyone else on his team.
But at least the game is being played in a really uplifting city.
Team over individuals
Football does a majestic job of selling team and sport but a lousy job of selling individuals, and that's why you have so many wide receivers making clowns of themselves for the extra attention. Football's stars all wear masks, and the Oprah crowd wouldn't recognize any of the league's best running backs if they sat down next to Oprah in uniform. That's why Brady does Visa commercials with his O-line -- to give the men who protect him a little bit of his pretty-boy glory.
(Speaking of Oprah, how angry was she this week at James Frey, the author she made famous? Stunning that Frey, an admitted drug addict, alcoholic and criminal, would be a liar, too. That national shaming and berating should make it real easy for Frey to remain sober. But at least Oprah feels better, which is all that matters.)
Good game expected
The game? Oh, it should be excellent. What these teams lack in star power, they make up for in power, period. Pittsburgh is the best sixth seed ever. No team in this sport's history has gone on the road and ravaged the conference's three top seeds the way Pittsburgh did. Defensive linemen will tell you the Steelers are the most physical team in football, which is saying an awful lot in this sport.
Seattle is novel but not trusted, because it has no history of winning and has never played in this game. But Hasselbeck is right on the cusp of elite. And this is how good his offensive line is: Everyone in the league knew the ball was going to Alexander all season, especially because Seattle doesn't have a receiver with 800 yards, and he still scored more touchdowns in one season than any player ever.
This is the biggest stage in American sports, the biggest game show in our country.
Someone anonymous is going to become a star under all those lights.
Dan Le Batard is a sports columnist for the Miami Herald.