Wednesday, January 25, 2006
Dear Annie: I have been with my husband, "Paul," for 13 years, and we've had our ups and downs. Two weeks ago, he said that he loves me but he wasn't in love with me anymore. He says he's felt this way for years. His announcement was out of the blue. Two days before, we had been talking about taking a cruise together.
I love Paul with all my heart and soul. I don't want him to move out, but he seems to be making all the decisions without me. I suggested counseling, but he says he doesn't know if he wants to save our marriage. Actually, "I don't know" seems to be his answer to everything.
I understand about not being in love due to everyday stresses, raising two children and both of us working opposite hours. Half of me wants to give him some time alone, but this is my husband and I vowed to stay with him forever. Please help me understand what this all means. Desperate To Save My Marriage
Dear Desperate: It means the romantic spark has gone out of your marriage, and it's possible Paul thinks he can find it somewhere else. The two of you have put your marriage on the back burner while raising children and earning a living, which is understandable, but the relationship between a husband and wife also needs regular maintenance.
You cannot salvage your marriage alone. If Paul is determined to leave and refuses your efforts to get him to a counselor, there isn't much you can do. However, we hope you will seek out counseling for yourself to determine how best to deal with the situation. Ask your doctor or clergyperson to refer you.
Dear Annie: Why do adult, adopted children think they can interrupt people's lives with no consequences? Why do they think everyone will be thrilled to have an instant family with no escape?
I am the wife of the biological father. We've been happily married for 30 years, and now there is a daughter who thinks we should love her like family. She is not my family. I have accepted the fact that my husband is her father, and we see her three to four times a year. She and my husband talk via phone frequently. I do not do anything to keep them apart.
I wish this young woman had some idea of what she did to our lives. We were very content before she discovered us. She has added nothing to make my life better. Why did she feel she had to find her father? How do I convince her that if we had wanted a family we would have had one? Happy Empty Nesters in Texas
Dear Texas: We know your life has been disrupted, but sorry, honey, this isn't your decision to make. Your husband and his daughter determine the level of contact. Since she is an adult and you only see her three to four times a year, it shouldn't be that great a burden for you. Stop fuming over the inconvenience before it destroys your marriage. If you can accept this graciously, you will be better off.
Dear Annie: You printed a letter from "Worried Mom," whose son has a drawing with a swastika and also has acquired a Confederate flag from his "new friend," who Mom thinks may be a neo-Nazi.
Please tell her to go to www.tolerance.org, a Web site developed by the Southern Poverty Law Center. It provides a wealth of ideas for teaching tolerance in the family and gives links to other helpful Web sites. Retired Teacher in Michigan
Dear Teacher: Thanks for the great information. We hope all interested parents will check it out.
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