Friday, January 20, 2006
Dear Annie: I have a 14-year-old daughter who has been a dream since the day she was born -- that is, until recently.
Over the last year or so, "Kristien" has tended to gravitate toward kids who lack respect for authority and are always in trouble. She has begun to lie to me, and frankly, I do not trust her anymore.
Kristien sees these kids only during school hours, because I drive her to school and she has to catch the bus immediately after. Though she spends just a short time with them, their influence is overwhelming.
How do I convince Kristien that she is going to have major problems because of the friends she associates with? I believe it comes down to self-esteem. If she had a higher level of self-esteem, she would not gravitate toward kids who have problems. She would want to be with kids who are positive. My husband disagrees.
Kristien is a wonderful child at home, except for the lying. We have grounded her from everything and talked until we are blue in the face. How can I help her see the light? Worried Mom
Dear Worried: Kristien's attraction to these kids is her way of testing new waters. It can be appealing to think you're living on the wild side.
Instead of threatening and grounding her, try explaining, lovingly, why her recent behavior upsets you so much. Tell her that teen years can be challenging, and some kids lose their way and can't get back. Also, explain why trust is a very elusive necessity, easy to throw away, but difficult to regain.
If you say these things with heartfelt affection, she is more likely to respond. Don't badmouth her friends or she will become defensive, even if she agrees with you. In fact, invite one or two of these friends over for dinner so you can get to know each other. You also might try to casually encourage her involvement in activities that don't revolve around these friends -- perhaps a school play, student government, band, athletics -- and best, some outside volunteer work. Hang in there, Mom.
Dear Annie: What is the right way to prepare to die? Recently, my uncle, who has terminal cancer, was told he had only about six months. He went home and built a new patio at his house and did many other projects before the illness took its toll.
On the other hand, my cousin, "Ted," was told he has a very bad heart problem and could die within the year. Ted went home and watched TV 14 hours a day. That was over two years ago, and he's still sitting on the sofa, watching TV.
What is behind these very opposite attitudes toward death? Confused Shirley
Dear Shirley: A person's response to a death sentence varies depending upon his level of denial, depression, inner strength and, often, religious beliefs. We think Ted became depressed and gave up. Your uncle, however, was determined to make the most of what he had left. There is no single "right" way to prepare for death, but we hope Ted will discuss his depression with his doctor.
Dear Annie: Please tell "Rachel in San Francisco" to save, save, save her grandmother's journals.
My husband's Aunt Betsy gave him his great-grandmother's memoirs because Betsy thought they were boring. They were not. The historical society from her little town in New York was thrilled to get a copy, as was the New York Historical Society. As for being too personal, I wish I had journals from my own great-grandmother. She was a sweet little old lady by the time I knew her, but in her youth she was positively scandalous. She rode horses without a sidesaddle! Antoinette from Mississippi
Dear Antoinette: We, too, hope Rachel will reconsider shredding those journals. Some day, someone may find them fascinating.
XE-mail your questions to anniesmailbox@com-cast.net, or write to: Annie's Mailbox™, P.O. Box 118190, Chicago, IL 60611.
Creators Syndicate