A Rosie (er, rosy) resolution
Well, the holiday season is over, giving us a chance to reflect on the cherished memories of spending time with friends and family, even if some of those memories involve family members, particularly those who are not blood relatives, particularly those who are your fiancee's grandfather, who is a very nice 80-year-old Italian man who believes kissing you on the lips is a sign of acceptance and affection, despite the fact that, although I consider myself a relatively well-educated, progressive person, would rather walk through a New York City subway terminal on my lips than kiss another man. I don't even like kissing my own female relatives, although I will make a concession provided the person is either my mom or my grandma and it's on the cheek.
Of course, there are also drawbacks to the post-holiday season and one of them is that we must eventually come to terms with the fact that eating 757 dessert-related items has bloated our previously god-like physiques into a shape resembling a certain panelist on The View who, for legal reasons, we will refer to only as R. O'Donnell.
As a result, thousands of people will trudge to their local fitness center, vowing that this is the year they Get In Shape.
Since this is primarily an educational column, I'd like to pass along a few helpful hints, culled from my experiences working out at my terrific gym, Creekside Fitness, which generously responded to my repeated requests to stay open later on Sunday by closing a half-hour earlier.
Without further ado,the fitness rules
The older, fatter and hairier the man, the more likely he is to walk around the locker room in his birthday suit.
This is why you never see movies involving women drilling tiny holes in the wall to look into the men's locker room. This is also why you see so many men walking out of the men's locker room screaming.
Also, guys and spandex go together like pretzels and gum.
Some guys, however, seem to think that they can pull off spandex.
Especially a certain middle-aged man at my gym who tucks his pink tank top into his black spandex shorts and proceeds to do leg lifts in plain sight, sending a very clear message to all the available 20-year-old women in the aerobics room. That message is, "I went to the prom with my mom."
You must re-rack your weights when you are done lifting.
To put it another way: When you are done lifting, you must re-rack your weights. If this isn't clear, let me say it this way: Re-racking your weights when you're done lifting is mandatory. And yes, this includes the 45-pound plates on a bench press bar. I realize that the next person to use the bench will probably also use the 45-pound plates, but there's a chance he (or she) may not. He (or she) may not even choose to bench press. Maybe he (or she) wants to do curls, or flies or one of the dozens of other exercises you can do on a bench. Maybe he (or she) just wants to pretend to be working out when instead he (or) she wants to laugh at pink tank top guy. Of course, we'll never know because he (or she) won't be using the bench because he (or she) will figure that, since there are weights on the bench -- which is generally considered the universal way of indicating that someone is using the machine -- that this bench is being used, primarily because you were too lazy to put the plates back because you (and I mean this in the nicest way possible) are the type of inconsiderate jerk who, if there is karma, should have spend the rest of your life as a spandex salesman for elderly, overweight, hairy gentlemen.
It's also considerate to wipe the sweat off the machines when you're done.
Sports bras are generally frowned upon.
Unless you're female.
*All male shorts -- and this includes swim trunks -- must be three inches above the knee or longer.
If your shorts are shorter than this, you're no longer wearing shorts. You're wearing mesh boxers.
If a fellow health club member is performing a bench press and the bar is resting on his neck, it is considered polite to offer assistance.
*But only if he promises to re-rack his weights.
Joe Scalzo is a sportswriter for The Vindicator. Write him at scalzo@vindy.com and read his blogs at Vindy.com.