KATHY MITCHELL AND MARCY SUGAR \ Annie's Mailbox Sex is causing problems in relationship

Dear Annie: I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend, "Ben," for the last three months. I am very happy with him, and things seem to be going well. The problem is that we lack a sex life.
I hope this isn't too graphic for your column, but the minute Ben puts on a condom, he loses his erection. The two times that we have had sex, it lasted for under a minute. I have expressed my concern and suggested that he see a doctor, but he becomes very defensive and won't discuss it.
Is this a normal experience for a 26-year-old man? Please help me out. Unsatisfied Girlfriend in Michigan
Dear Unsatisfied: It sounds as if Ben is suffering from erectile dysfunction and/or premature ejaculation. There are treatments for these problems, but Ben must be willing to seek help. Assure him that doctors have seen everything and he has no reason to be embarrassed.
Beyond that, however, if you care for him, try not to make this the focus of your physical relationship. Sexual problems can become self-fulfilling prophecies if Ben convinces himself in advance that he's going to have difficulties in bed. You can help build up his confidence by being patient and loving, regardless of the outcome.
Dear Annie: I've been married to "Ellie" for eight years. Recently, her uncle called a family meeting. I asked her if I should come along, and she said, "No. It's just for Mom, me, and my brother and sisters."
Needless to say, I was a little bit upset, but I told her to go ahead without me. When Ellie returned, I asked her what the emergency meeting was about, and she said she couldn't tell me because it was a family secret.
I told her that when we married, we all became family. I asked my mother-in-law and sister-in-law what the meeting was about, and was told the same thing -- "It's none of your business." We argued for a week about this.
When two people get married, the secrets are supposed to stop. I think my wife's mother and uncle should not have put her in this situation. Your reply would be helpful since they all read your column. (That's no secret.) T. in Florida
Dear T.: We agree that married couples should not feel excluded from each other's lives, but not everything needs to be shared. If your wife and her family are discussing Mom's will, for example, or her health, you need not be included in these meetings, nor does your wife have to tell you what went on, although if it affects you in any way, she ought to. Nonetheless, her family has asked her to keep it to herself, and she wants to respect that. Please don't put any additional pressure on her.
Dear Annie: I read the letter from "Giving Up in Alaska," who had trouble finding a girlfriend. I can sympathize. I grew up in Alaska as well. I went through high school without a single date. I was extremely shy, and girls either considered me the "nice" guy or they already had boyfriends. I, too, wondered if I was weird or ugly, or if I was just going after girls who were out of my league.
A year after graduation, I went to another state for college, and suddenly, I was in a whole new world -- a world where girls noticed me, talked to me and even asked me out.
I have since married and have a beautiful family. I strongly urge "Alaska" to consider relocating. The ratio of men to women in his state is roughly 6 to 1, so it's not hard for a woman to be picky. Alaskan in Iraq
Dear Alaskan: You've provided some encouraging words. Several readers suggested that "Giving Up" move to another state. Our thanks to all who wrote.
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