Saturday, October 23, 2004
Dear Annie: After 15 years of marriage, I discovered my wife was having an affair with a co-worker who came into town every month. She had been seeing him for three years. After he left the company, she communicated through a cell phone he provided, which is how I found out.
I almost left her then, but we have two beautiful young children, and I couldn't bear to be without them. The affair is over, and although we never discuss it, there are reminders, and occasionally I have a setback that will keep me up at night.
I told my wife in the beginning that it might take a while for me to let this go, but she doesn't seem to understand the severity of what's happened. Recently, she argued what a tough time she's having because I don't completely trust her, and that I should get over it because it's been a year. Is she right? Not Over It Yet
Dear Not Over It: Hardly. Your wife betrayed your marriage, lied to you and undermined the foundation of your relationship. It takes a great deal of time, effort, forgiveness and hard work to "get over it."
You must make a sincere effort to put this behind you, and she must understand the depth of your pain. If you haven't had marriage counseling, please look into it now. Talk to your clergyperson, or ask your doctor to refer you.
Dear Annie: I am writing in response to "Concerned Friend and Taxpayer," whose friend's 19-year-old daughter, "Beverly," is pregnant from a one-night stand. She wants to put "father unknown" on her child's birth certificate and not ask for child support. I wish I had been as smart as Beverly.
I did put down the father's name, and now I have to deal with a man who is a drug addict and alcoholic who can't hold a job. He pays child support when he wants to, which is just enough to keep him out of jail. He did sign off on visitation rights, but will not sign off on parental rights, which means my current husband cannot adopt my son. If I had been as smart as Beverly, I would not have to worry about all this, and my son would have this wonderful man as his true daddy.
I think sometimes it is best for the baby not to have to deal with a bad father. If Beverly is on public assistance, the government will pay for a baby sitter so she can continue her education. Older and Wiser in Ohio
Dear Ohio: Even a rotten father can love his child and should be given the opportunity (as long as he is not abusive). But your husband is your child's "true daddy," because he is the one who is raising the boy.
Dear Annie: I read the letter from "The Farmer's Stepdaughter," who expressed sorrow that the family hadn't recorded some of their elders' historical recollections. I, too, have had those thoughts when my father, mother, aunts, uncles and even my sainted grandmother from "the auld sod" passed on.
I have a solution. When our eldest grandson was having trouble with reading in school, I wrote a fictionalized book based loosely on the true adventures of my family, about two kids growing up on a farm on the Big Sioux River in South Dakota. I named it "The Curious Kids and The Sioux River Bandits." When our grandson realized it was part of his family history, he began to read -- and enjoy it.
Perhaps we did something right, since our son was just appointed to the Air Force Academy by the president. (Had to throw in a bit of brag.) C.G., L.A.P.D. (ret.), Santa Barbara S.O. (ret.), and Simi Valley Park Ranger
Dear C.G.: What a charming suggestion, although it requires making the history reasonably entertaining. And congratulations -- you have good reason to brag about your son.
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