PARENTING TIPS
PARENTING TIPS
UAsk yourself if the tools and skills you're teaching your child will serve him when he's 15 or 22. "How will this behavior be tolerated at a workplace?" queried Connie Dawson, co-author of "How Much is Enough?: Everything You Need to Steer Clear of Overindulgence and Raise Likeable, Responsible and Respectful Children."
UMake children pay you back. For example, if you help them do something they should be able to do on their own, require them to do an extra chore to compensate you for your time.
UOn children's birthdays, let them choose a new privilege and a new responsibility.
UHold children responsible for their actions, even accidental ones. Let children clean up messes, or if one hurts the other, let the perpetrator get ice or a Band-Aid for the victim. "Otherwise, parents are teaching children that it doesn't matter what they do -- they just have to say 'sorry' and they're off the hook," said Elizabeth Crary, a Seattle parent educator and author.
UDon't save your kids. Example: Your child leaves the spelling list at school. Put the problem on him: "How are you going to get your spelling words, then?" Crary advises. Maybe he needs to call a friend and write down the whole list by hand. "Don't make forgetting easier than remembering," she said.
UIf you're tempted to overnurture, adopt a puppy or volunteer.
ULet kids suffer consequences. You insist kids clean their rooms before going to a play date; they procrastinate. Don't step in and pick up toys because they'll be disappointed not to go. "It teaches children you'll do stuff if they just don't do it," Crary said.
UDon't soften the blow. If parents impose consequences, kids are often unhappy. That's OK, Crary says. Don't make them feel better by letting them watch a favorite video or eat ice cream.
UDon't assume that because you're not rich, you can't overindulge your kids. The majority of adults overindulged as children reported their family had the same, less or much less money than their neighbors, according to "How Much is Enough?"
UIf older kids balk at chores, discontinue family services, such as rides to friends or favorite snacks for school lunches.
UIf you realize you've been overindulgent, don't try to change everything at once. You'll get too much resistance from your child and end up giving up, which is another bad message. Instead, start with one step and enforce it consistently until it's habitual. Then move on to another challenge.
UHelp kids distinguish between needs and desires. "Kids should want for things once in a while," Dawson said. As her book notes, "If every day is an exciting high, the highs get flat and are never high enough."
UAccept your unpopularity. "Kids will always push," Dawson said. "It's up to the parent to decide where 'no' is, and to hold it."
TOP WAYS PARENTS OVERINDULGE THEIR KIDS
The top ways adults say they were overindulged as children, starting with the most common:
UMy parents did things for me that I could or should have done for myself.
UMy parents did not expect me to do chores.
UI was allowed to have any clothes I wanted.
UI was allowed lots of privileges.
UMy parents gave me lots of toys.
UMy parents gave me too much freedom.
UMy parents allowed me to take the lead or dominate the family.
UI was not expected to learn the same skills that other children learned.
UMy parents gave me too much attention.
UMy parents had rules that I was not expected to follow.
UMy parents did not enforce their rules.
UMy parents overscheduled me for activities, lessons, sports and camps.
UMy parents made sure I was entertained.
UI spent too much time on my own and too little time with my parents.
UMy drug use was tolerated or encouraged.
Source: "How Much is Enough? Everything You Need to Know to Steer Clear of Overindulgence and Raise Likeable, Responsible and Respectful Children," by Jean Illsley Clarke, Connie Dawson and David Bredehoft