Thursday, June 24, 2004
Dear Annie: My husband and I have been married for seven years. Each year, we get into a huge fight about his drinking. "Steve" is not an alcoholic, but he can't hold his liquor. When Steve is sober, he's a great father, a wonderful husband and a hard worker. When he's intoxicated, he becomes critical, insulting and silly in front of his children. His friends are drinkers and drug addicts, and they're a bad influence on him.
My father was an alcoholic, and I don't want to end up like my mother. She always locked us in a room so my father wouldn't hurt us. He was never physically abusive, but Mom always feared it was possible. I don't want to live that life again.
I have threatened to leave when Steve comes home drunk. Then he will stop for months, maybe as long as a year, but it starts all over again as soon as his friends ask him to come over. He always promises he will quit drinking, but then he does it anyway. Should I leave him? Distraught in Ohio
Dear Ohio: Steve may not be a textbook alcoholic, but he definitely has a drinking problem. Ultimatums will not get him to stop. He must want to do this for himself.
Since there are children involved, please don't give up without checking your phone book for Al-Anon (al-anon-alateen.org). Steve also could use a new group of friends. The ones he has now aren't doing him any good whatsoever.
Dear Annie: Boy, you women sure stick together. I'm talking about the letter from "Extended Family in Massachusetts," who wanted to invite the ex-son-in-law out for dinner, but their daughter, "Jenny," objected. Sometimes Jenny wouldn't let them see the grandchildren if she didn't get her way. You told those parents to stay friendly with the ex, but not to invite him for dinner, and that they should be more "sensitive" to Jenny's feelings.
To hell with Jenny's feelings. Why should the parents kowtow to her demands? Tell her to get a life and leave her parents alone. She shouldn't be asking for a divorce and then holding the children hostage until she gets her way. She'll end up alienating her children from herself, not from their father.
The parents should spend time with whomever they want. Jenny should learn that not everything revolves around her. A Real Angry Man in South Carolina
Dear Angry Man: A lot of readers were upset with Jenny. We were, too. However, given the choice of seeing their grandchildren or having dinner with the ex-son-in-law, we opted for the former. Jenny is manipulative, but that doesn't alter the fact that the children are what's important here. We doubt the grandparents want to alienate Jenny and risk losing their grandchildren just to prove a point. It's a lousy choice to make, but there it is.
Dear Annie: I have been married to "Phoebe" for 17 years, and we have three children. Fifteen years ago, Phoebe had an affair. She was remorseful, and I wanted badly for our marriage to work, so I forgave her. I thought we had become stronger because of it, but I was wrong. Last year, she had another affair and left me and the kids for the other man.
I suggested we go for counseling, but she refused. I offered to do whatever was necessary, but she's not interested. My heart says to wait it out, but I don't know if I can ever trust her again. What should I do? Hurt in South Dakota
Dear S.D.: Accept the fact that marriage takes two people and Phoebe doesn't want to be one of them. Get some counseling for yourself to learn how to deal with her betrayal, and to work on ways to help your children through this difficult time.
Creators Syndicate