Thursday, July 29, 2004
Dear Annie: From the day my mother-in-law and I met, she disliked me because I came from a different religious and ethnic background. She forbade her son to marry me, but he did anyway.
Even so, throughout our years of marriage, my husband refused to associate with any of my friends, family or co-workers, saying that his mother did not approve of them. He insisted that the only people we socialize with were his relatives.
A few years ago, Mom suddenly decided I was no longer to have contact with her or anyone else in the family. She insisted that her son divorce me. There was no particular reason for her decision. Of course, my husband stayed with me, but all of my contact with other family members was cut off because the relatives feared this woman's retribution. My husband continued to attend family functions without me, which caused many heated arguments.
My mother-in-law died last year, and my husband now wants me to rejoin his family. I am a good person, warm and friendly, and have never done wrong by his relatives, but frankly, I don't want to see these people after being treated unfairly for so long. Should I forgive and forget? Hurt and Confused
Dear Hurt: Yes. You will gain more by forgiving than you will by holding a grudge. As an added benefit, it will strengthen your marriage, which sounds like it could use some help.
We are less angry with the relatives than with your husband, who should have been more supportive of you. However, we know that these barracudas are exhausting to battle, day after day, and it's easier to give in than keep fighting. Now that Mom is out of the picture, however, you have an opportunity to be an integral part of your husband's family, and we think they will welcome you with open arms. Please give them the chance to make it up to you.
Dear Annie: My husband has a bad back and can sleep only in an adjustable bed or recliner. This totally limits our taking vacations. Are there any hotels or cruise lines that have accommodations that would allow people with limitations such as his to enjoy their facilities? A Virginian
Dear Virginian: Absolutely. Look for hotels that have suites or kitchenettes, which are likelier to include a room with a recliner. There are many organizations that offer full-package tours and cruises for those with special needs (we found a helpful Web site maintained by Jim Lubin at www.makoa.org that lists travel sites). Your husband also might want to invest in a portable reclining lawn chair that he can bring wherever he goes. Good luck.
Dear Annie: You printed a letter from "Omaha," whose 16-year-old son was shy. My 17-year-old daughter had the same problem. She would come home in tears from parties because she sat in the corner the whole time.
I found a Web site on social anxiety (www.socialanxiety.factsforhealth.org). They had a self-assessment test that I administered to my daughter. I discovered she had a phobia of certain people and situations. We made an appointment to see a psychiatrist who prescribed a mild anti-depressant and referred her to a psychologist.
In five months, the changes in my daughter are amazing. She has a job that would have driven her to tears before. She enjoys going to group functions and meeting new people. Our insurance covers most of the counseling visits, and the money I've spent has been well worth it. A Mom in North Carolina
Dear Mom: Thank you for your excellent suggestion and useful resource. We hope our interested readers will check it out.
Creators Syndicate