Friday, August 27, 2004
Apparently, "Welcome to New York, America's No. 1 terror target that ranks 49th in terms of per-person terror funding, thanks to your pork-glutted, me-first, Wyoming-needs-bomb-squads-too party, which has the nerve to come here and use 9/11 as a backdrop!" is not the way to greet the GOP delegates headed our way.
This much I learned at the two-hour training session required for everyone who has volunteered to help out at the Republican National Convention.
After being herded into John Jay College's auditorium one night last week, we watched a get-psyched video of great Republicans who had made historic speeches in New York City, including Abraham Lincoln, Teddy Roosevelt and ... and ...
OK. So it's not a huge list. Still, the audience of about 200 seemed pumped when the evening's motivational speaker, Nate Brooks, bounded onstage. He had come to teach us New Yorkers a brand-new skill: politeness. Whatever that is.
"What," boomed Brooks, "do you think is most people's image of New Yorkers?" "Rude." shouted one proud Gothamite. "Violent," interrupted someone else. "Democrats," cried a lady who got a big laugh, because this was definitely a mixed crowd -- Republicans and liberals all trying to get along. More or less.
"I cannot wait until the vice presidential debates. Dick Cheney will eat that child alive," crowed a lady sitting behind me.
A woman in front of her -- not me -- turned around and glared. "I wish you would not engage in Democrat-bashing," she said. "Ooh, the party of tolerance isn't so tolerant," hooted the Cheney fan.
So perhaps it was good that up onstage, Brooks asked us to shake hands with our fellow volunteers and practice a warm, "Hi. Welcome to New York."
To do this right, Brooks instructed, do not crush any bones. And when -- what's it called again? Oh, yeah -- smiling, "Don't smile with just your mouth. Squint." Squint? Yes, it turns out that if you curl your lips upward while squinting, you really will look as happy as a (nearsighted) Midwesterner. Try it.
We did. And then, squint-smiling, we had to ask the person next to us -- as if we cared -- How was the flight? How is your family? How does it feel to land here in Al-Qaida's cross hairs knowing your state is getting $38 per person in federal anti-terrorism money while we're getting five measly bucks.
Oops -- scratch that.
Embracing New York
"People don't know what New Yorkers are like because they've never embraced New York," intoned our Brooks. "It's our job to embrace them."
And then it dawned on me: He's right. If all our squinting makes delegates realize that we New Yorkers are the same as them -- just more likely to be blown up -- maybe they'll start thinking our lives are as important as their local ambulance upgrades or whatever they're spending their terrorism booty on.
XLenore Skenazy is a columnist for the New York Daily News. Distributed by Knight Ridder/Tribune.