Monday, November 24, 2003
Dear Annie: I will be 76 years old in three weeks. The best gift I could receive would be some advice that could change my everyday life.
My problem is loneliness and constant insecurity because there is no one to check on my welfare each day. Frankly, I'm frightened. What would happen if I fell down? If I slipped in the bathtub? If I had no heat in the winter? If I got sick?
When I retired, I decided to live in the country, away from the hectic life of the city, and I am happy with this choice. However, money is scarce, and I just get by. I have four responsible, grown children, who are college-educated with good jobs and comfortable lifestyles. They have no interest in calling or visiting on a regular basis, and nothing I say will change that.
One daughter lives 70 miles away, and she is the only child who maintains contact. She came to visit this week for the first time in four months. When I mentioned that I get lonely and my thinking gets fuzzy living in such isolation, she got upset and said I was putting a guilt trip on her. I don't feel that there is anyone who really cares about me.
What should I do? What can I say to turn this around? Obviously, I am not doing or saying the right thing to get results. Wadesboro, N.C.
Dear Wadesboro: Children should care enough to call and visit their aging parents, but you cannot force them to do so. It is unrealistic to remain isolated out in the country, lamenting that your unreliable children do not check up on you.
Contact the agencies on aging in your area to find out if there are senior services that can provide you with assistance. Also, many states have laws requiring children to provide financially for their aging parents. Consider asking your kids to help you move to a retirement community where you will feel safe and have friends nearby. Sign up for classes at a park district. Join a choir, art class or exercise class. Get a part-time job. Volunteer somewhere. All of these things will keep you active and provide you with a fulfilling life independent of your children.
Dear Annie: When I adopted my daughter 30 years ago, I received a card with a poem that began, "Not flesh of my flesh, nor blood of my blood," but for the life of me, I cannot remember the rest of it. My daughter is getting married soon, and I'd like to include it in a letter to let her know how much I love her. I'm hoping you can help me. Thank you. Hooksett, N.H.
Dear Hooksett: Here is the poem, credited to Fleur Conkling Heyliger, along with our best wishes to your daughter:
Not flesh of my flesh,
Nor bone of my bone,
But still miraculously my own.
Never forget for a single minute,
You didn't grow under my heart,
But in it.
Dear Annie: I did a terrible thing regarding a great deal of money. I need to repay these funds, and I have not told my husband of 25 years what I have done. We have two children, and I am afraid he will leave me. Should I just tell him and live with the consequences, or is there a way to get myself out of this without him knowing? California
Dear Calif.: It's best to come clean with your husband and take your lumps. After 25 years and two children, hopefully he will forgive you and be helpful in repaying the money, provided, of course, you promise never to do it again.
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