Sunday, July 20, 2003
By GEMMA TARLACH
MILWAUKEE JOURNAL SENTINEL
No video or cameras. No moshing. No acting like you've been raised by wolves (or the Osbournes).
Not every concert "don't" gets printed on your ticket. But maybe they need to be. At venues large and small, indoors and out, concert-goers are complaining more frequently about their fellow music fans' behavior.
For the most part, it's not violence or other arrest-worthy offenses. It's a general disregard for others that's causing all the vexation.
We want you to have a good time at the show. We want everyone to have a good time. So we turned to an expert for a quick refresher course on concert etiquette.
Roadie Girl, the Miss Manners of the Mosh Pit, gave us her biggest beefs about ... well, we won't print what she actually called concert-goers who rankle her. Long years on the road hauling gear and dodging empty beer cups tossed onstage have given her a rather salty vocabulary.
Let's just say that if you recognize yourself in the list of "don'ts" below, consider the error of your ways before attending your next concert -- or risk Roadie Girl's wrath.
Take it away, Roadie Girl.
Tips for fans
*It's "Will call," not "We'll wait." Picking up tickets at will call? Bring a photo ID and the credit card used to place the order. Because no matter how many times you say "I left it in my car," the box office staffer doesn't care. And neither do all the people waiting in line behind you.
*A dab'll do ya. The band shouldn't stink, and neither should you. Whether it's pricey perfume or cheap cologne, don't drown yourself in it. Because Roadie Girl is hella tired of listening to allergy-afflicted concert-goers gripe about hives, migraines and asthma attacks triggered by other fans' Obsession overload.
*Zip it. Holding up your phone so your friend who couldn't be there hears his favorite song live is thoughtful. Yakking away on a phone, or with the rest of your group, during the band's quiet, acoustic number is lame. If the conversation is so urgent that it won't wait, take it to the concessions area.
*Stand in the place where you are. At general admission shows, if you're not there early enough to land a spot right in front, deal with the spot you've got. Don't do the sardine shuffle, looking for a person who's shorter or skinnier to bully with your bulk as you weasel your way closer.
*We're all in this together. If you see someone fall or get squashed to the point of passing out, get security's attention. And when the security and first aid people try to pass through? Let them. Helping a fellow fan or moving aside to allow the professionals to do their jobs takes seconds and will not ruin the show for you.
*Manage your anger. If you must mosh (remember, it's prohibited in many venues), don't start a pit in the middle of an unsuspecting crowd, and don't slam into bystanders. Not everyone wants Ozzfest scars to show the grandkids.
*Stay grounded. Remember, concerts are a collective experience. Dance, sing along, whatever, but don't do it at the expense of others' enjoyment. Memo to chicks on their boyfriends' shoulders and anybody standing on their seat: That flashlight the security guard is shining in your face is not part of the light show. Get your feet back on the ground and stop blocking everyone else's view.
*It's live music, not a library. The flip side of the collective concert experience is just as true. If you expect to sit in your seat all night with an unobstructed view of the band, hearing nothing but their dulcet notes, buy a concert DVD instead of a concert ticket. If you do come to the show, don't spend your time picking fights over every nudge, bump and off-key sing-along.
*Heckling is pass & eacute;. During comedy shows or unplugged sets, just because it's quiet enough for your shouted comments to be heard doesn't mean you should make them. If you were that funny or clever, you'd be the one on stage, buddy.
*Don't give a toss. No matter how awful the act is, the only thing that should be hurled at the stage is verbal abuse.
*Pass up passing out. The booze commercials will tell you to drink responsibly.
*Value your family. Mom and Dad, Roadie Girl isn't going to tell you how to raise your kids ... wait a minute, yes, she is, at least in this instance. We've seen a baby getting its diaper changed on the lawn at Ozzfest and an 8-year-old shouting profanities in unison with DMX as his dad applauded junior's budding rap talents. Unless Aaron Carter's the headliner, chances are it's not a G-rated concert. If your kid's age isn't at least in double digits (years, not months), hire a baby sitter.
*Hear this: If you feel your child is old enough and the music is age-appropriate, buy earplugs for the wee fan.
*A plea from Roadie Boy: Yes, fellow rock chicks, we know the line to the girls' room is often bigger than your bladder. Sometimes, a chick's gotta do what a chick's gotta do -- in the boys' room.
Tips for the band
*Too loud is so lame. When the volume is so over-the-top that fans' ears are bleeding, the only possible conclusion is that you're using a big sound to compensate for something that's very, very small (i.e. talent).
*Music, not mayhem: Guilty nu-metal parties, you know who you are, encouraging the crowd to beat up security guards does not make you cool. It only makes you seem like even more of a desperate dork than the gimmicky costumes you're wearing.
*Oh, hell no! A special request for rap acts: Any idiot can get on stage and waste time demanding to know which side of the crowd is louder. Spend your time in the spotlight actually rapping.
*Some feedback for ya: Leaving stage with your guitar leaning against the amp, creating an ear-splitting wave of feedback, is not an appropriate adieu to fans whose money is putting food on your table, clothes on your back and groupies in your tour bus. "But I saw (insert name of classic rock act of your choosing here) do it." Yeah, pal, so did everyone else -- a zillion times, too. If you're going to do something really annoying, at least try to make it original.
*I bet you say that to all the fans. "It's great to be here." "You're the best crowd ever." Instead of empty clich & eacute;s, play like you mean it, and we'll still love and respect you in the morning.
*Don't like touring? Dread the thought of having to sing your songs night after night in front of people you'd never, you know, actually hang with? Quit. Now. Please.
Tips for venues
*Lighten up. There's mood lighting, and then there's rude lighting. At venues throughout the area, perfectly sober fans take tumbles because of unlit walkways mined with sewer grates, poorly taped-down extension cords running across the floors and other safety hazards. Fix them.
*Don't give some fans a bad rap. Venues stock their bars by anticipating crowd size. Security should be staffed the same way, not based on race, age or genre of music.
*You make enough money serving up beer to the masses to deal with its immediate consequences.