KATHY MITCHELL AND MARCY SUGAR \ Annie's Mailbox Bitter separation leaves child caught in middle

Dear Annie: My daughter, "Susan," recently told "Alice," her same-sex partner of 15 years, that there was someone new in her life and their relationship was over. It's been a very bitter separation.
My 11-year-old granddaughter, "Lily," is caught in the crossfire. Susan is Lily's biological mother, but Alice has been a parent to the girl her whole life. Lily calls Susan "Mom" and calls Alice "Major Mom." There was never an adoption, so Alice has no legal rights, even though Lily was given the hyphenated last names of both women.
Susan has limited Alice's ability to see Lily and often changes her plans on a whim, saying "it's in Lily's best interest." We don't think this is fair to Alice or to Lily. Our family embraced Alice when she came into our lives, and we would like to maintain a relationship with her, especially since Lily loves her so.
Susan feels betrayed by our attitude and says she cannot be around us as long as we support Alice. We are grieving because the family can no longer be together.
Any guidance? Cathie in New York
Dear Cathie: Bitter breakups are always difficult, particularly if there are children involved. The fact that Susan seems eager to keep Lily away from Alice is unfortunate for everyone.
Tell Susan you love her and understand her decision to move on, but you have a relationship with Alice and are entitled to keep in touch (don't overdo it). Also suggest to Susan that she discuss the situation with a child psychologist who will help her make the best decision about Lily's relationship with Alice.
Dear Annie: I am a 52-year-old woman who is adopted. My adoptive parents are now deceased, and I have very little family left -- just a few cousins and one aunt.
I am single with no children and no siblings. The older I get, the more I feel a distance from my relatives. They are all married with children and grandchildren, and their lives revolve around their own families. I feel like a fifth wheel. These people are no closer to me than my co-workers. We don't even get together on holidays.
I am not interested in finding my biological parents. I just feel as if I am in the wrong family. Even though I have led a good life, I always have suffered from depression and low self-esteem. I was wondering if this is something that other adoptees have experienced. Could you ask them? Iowa Adoptee
Dear Iowa: Undoubtedly, there are other adoptees who feel as you do. However, a family is what you make it and does not have to be blood related. It's possible a search for your biological parents will give you a greater sense of belonging, but if you don't wish to do that, make an effort to tighten the bonds of friendship with people who can become your "family." Also, please see a counselor for help getting past the depression. The holiday season, without friends or family, can sometimes be particularly difficult.
Dear Annie: Please tell your readers not to favor one child over the other. It only makes the siblings resent each other. My mother loves my older brother so much more than my sister and me, it is downright embarrassing. Recently, when asked what her most "prized possession" was, she replied, "My son." It's sickening.
I cannot begin to tell you how much this hurt growing up, and it still does, even now that I'm an adult. Please let parents know. Lesser Child in Los Angeles
Dear L.A.: This is not uncommon, unfortunately, but it is shameful, and parents should know better. If you haven't told your mother how you feel, it's time you did.
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