Sunday, December 28, 2003
By JOE SCALZO
VINDICATOR SPORTS STAFF
If you had to use word to describe the sports world in 2003, that word would be "upset."
The Ohio State Buckeyes upset the Miami Hurricanes in the Fiesta Bowl. The Florida Marlins upset the Yankees in the World Series. And Buckeye running back Maurice Clarett was just plain upset for most of the year.
If you had to pick a second word to describe the sports world in 2003, that word would be "lawyers." Clarett needed lawyers. LeBron James needed lawyers. Kobe Bryant needed a whole lotta lawyers. And let's face it, isn't everyone a little happier when you mix sports and lawyers?
The answer is no.
If you had to pick a third word to describe the sports world in 2003, we'd have to ask you to leave the room because we've taken up too much time already and we still have a lot to cover.
On that note, let's take a look back at the year 2003, which decided to -- in a stunning development -- begin in ...
JANUARY
... As Ohio State freshman phenom Maurice Clarett -- in a move that in no way foreshadows the rest of the year -- starts the month off right by accusing Ohio State athletic director Andy Geiger of lying about his promise to let Clarett fly home to sue the NFL.
The controversy subsides, however, as Ohio State Jim Tressel shocks the world by delivering an interesting postgame quote after the Buckeyes defeat the heavily favored Miami Hurricanes in the Fiesta Bowl. The loss devastates the dozens of Hurricane fans at the game.
Two days later, the Cleveland Browns blow a 17-point lead to the Pittsburgh Steelers in the first round of the NFL playoffs after God decides that Ohioans had already experienced enough happiness for one year. One week later, the Steelers lose to the Tennessee Titans, which pretty much serves them right.
The Cleveland Cavaliers, meanwhile, select Keith Smart to replace head coach John Lucas, which comes as quite a shock since most Cavaliers fans weren't aware the team actually had a head coach.
The Tampa Bay Buccaneers close out the month in style, defeating the Oakland Raiders in the Super Bowl. Later that night, Tampa defensive lineman Warren Sapp makes a guest appearance on Jimmy Kimmel's new late night talk show. Tragically, a meteor does not fall out of the sky to crush them both.
And speaking of unfunny topics, in ...
FEBRUARY
... Akron St. Vincent-St. Mary guard LeBron James is declared ineligible by the Ohio High School Athletic Association for the remainder of the season, "or at least for a few hours until we lose in court," states commissioner Clair Muscaro. James' lawyers keep the lawsuit tied up in court for weeks, forcing Muscaro to show his typical forceful leadership by upholding the rule that forbids sprinters from wearing untucked shirts during track meets.
James eventually gets the ruling overturned after several of the OHSAA's lawyers are injured after tumbling out of their clown car.
Later in the month, NASCAR season starts once again with the running of the Daytona 500. Sports fans in the northern part of the country spend months trying to figure out why.
In the meantime, we move to ...
MARCH
... As high school and college basketball tournament season heats up. Springfield, Poland, Bristol, Newton Falls and Sebring win boys district titles, while Salem, West Branch, Ursuline and Leetonia win girls district titles. The Boardman girls basketball team, however, falls to rival North Canton Hoover in the district final, compelling Spartans coach Ron Moschella to -- in a stunning development -- throw a hissy fit on the sidelines and complain about the officiating.
Ursuline's girls team, meanwhile, loses to Regina in the regional tournament for the fourth time in five seasons, leading Irish officials to replace coach Sean Durkin with Sisyphus.
(Editor's note: Sisyphus is a character in Greek mythology who is forced to roll a block of stone against a steep hill, which tumbles back down when he reaches the top. Then the whole process starts again, lasting all eternity.)
(Editor's note II: In this analogy, Ursuline is a lot like Sisyphus and Regina is a lot like the block of stone.)
(Editor's note III: But you knew that.)
YSU women's basketball coach Ed DiGregorio resigns on March 17 after a wonderful career. We wish him well.
In baseball news, sports fans across the country celebrate the beginning of the season as the Cleveland Indians -- in a move that in no way foreshadows the rest of the season -- lose on opening day. The Pirates, however, win their opener, which gives Pittsburgh fans a reason to be optimistic about this season.
All this gives us a pretty good head start on ...
APRIL
... Which begins with the Pirates and Indians being mathematically eliminated from the playoff race.
A week later, Syracuse wins the NCAA Tournament, which sets off a chain reaction that eventually leads the University of Washington to dismiss head coach Rick Neuheisel (or something like that). Sports fans across the country express their shock and disappointment that someone had the nerve to bet on college basketball.
Sports fans are also shocked when UConn repeats as the women's national champions, becoming the first -- but not the last -- major female sports story to be ignored this year. Other women's sports stories that get ignored include the fall of the WUSA, the WNBA's struggles and just about everything related to tennis that doesn't involve Anna Kournikova. Everyone agrees to blame the media.
In golf news, someone other than Tiger Woods wins the Masters -- and, eventually, the other three majors -- which is why we're going to pretty much skip most of the PGA season and move right along to LeBron James, who unselfishly passes up a free college education for the chance to make bad Sprite commercials.
The month ends on a good note, however, as Tisha Hill wins the YSU women's basketball coaching derby and is selected to replace DiGregorio.
And speaking of derbies, in ...
MAY
... Funny Cide shocks the horse racing world by defeating heavily favored Empire Maker in the Kentucky Derby, which delights headline writers everywhere who had already used a variation on "The Empire Strikes Back" in the derby preview stories and were out of new ideas.
In golf news, Annika Sorenstam, meanwhile, becomes the first woman to compete in a PGA event since Babe Didrickson Zaharias when she plays in the Colonial. The move comes on the heels of a national debate involving Augusta National Golf Club, which refuses to accept female members. OHSAA officials offer Augusta officials use of their clown car, but Augusta president Hootie Johnson declines, insisting, "We don't need any help looking like idiots."
The Cleveland Cavaliers hit the NBA draft lottery, causing several conspiracy theorists to speculate that the draft was rigged. Hootie Johnson offers to let those conspiracy theorists borrow his quote from the last paragraph.
In racing news, Gil De Ferran shocks the sports world by revealing they're still running the Indy 500.
Speaking of surprises, in ...
JUNE
... The beautiful and talented 20-year-old LPGA golfer Natalie Gulbis turns down a marriage proposal by sportswriter Joe Scalzo at the Giant Eagle LPGA Classic. Scalzo recovers from his disappointment and insists that he has totally forgotten the incident, unless of course Natalie has changed her mind, in which case she can contact him at 330-747-1471 ext. 1596.
A few days later, Rachel Teske defeats Annika Sorenstam in a playoff to win the Giant Eagle LPGA Classic. But the real winner was Natalie Gulbis, who is still free to reconsider Joe Scalzo's marriage proposal.
In other sports news, the San Antonio Spurs win the NBA Finals, the New Jersey Devils win the Stanley Cup, the Mahoning Valley Scrappers open their season with a win over the Batavia Muckdogs and the Cleveland Cavaliers select LeBron James with the first pick in the NBA Draft. All of them draw tremendous interest from the sporting world, except, of course, the Stanley Cup.
It's the last bit of good news we hear for awhile, since ...
JULY
... Is marred by the scandal involving Los Angeles Lakers guard Kobe Bryant, who is accused of raping a woman in a Colorado hotel room. Bryant immediately calls a press conference, where he tells his wife that he "regrets making such a poor decision during the slowest sports month of the year."
ESPN shows typical restraint by devoting a mere 80 percent of its newscasts to the scandal.
In cycling news, Lance Armstrong -- in a heroic display of courage and grit -- refrains from making fun of French people. And Americans -- in another heroic display of courage and grit -- vow to continue following bike racing "as long as Armstrong keeps winning."
And just as the euphoria over Armstrong wears off, we move to ...
AUGUST
... As the Ohio State football team tries to focus on defending its national championship in the midst of allegations swirling around star running back Maurice Clarett, who was accused of receiving extra help on a college exam, lying on a police report and forcing ESPN to devote less time to the Kobe Bryant scandal.
Clarett fires back, accusing Ohio State athletic director Andy Geiger of stealing one of his Jay-Z CDs from his car. Geiger refutes the allegation, insisting that he "doesn't even like Jay-Z. I'm more of a Coldplay fan."
Clarett is eventually suspended for the entire season, forcing Jim Tressel to use a running back rotation of Maurice Hall, Lydell Ross and Geiger. Geiger finishes the season with a team-best 1.7-yard per carry average.
High school football season also starts. And for the first time in months, all seems right with the world.
That changes quickly in ...
SEPTEMBER
... As the Youngstown State football team, Cleveland Browns and Pittsburgh Steelers -- in a move that in no way foreshadows the rest of the season -- get off to slow starts.
The Maurice Clarett soap opera, meanwhile, takes a dramatic turn as the running back decides to sue the NFL for the right to accept free Andy Geiger throwback jerseys. It is also revealed that Bobby Dellimuti, owner of DiLucia's Restaurant in Warren, bought Clarett a Jay-Z CD to replace the one that was stolen from his car.
The news wasn't that much different in ...
OCTOBER
... As thousands of Cubs fans are devastated after losing the Florida Marlins in the National League Championship Series. Much of the blame fell on a Cubs fan named Steve Bartman, who was heavily criticized in the press for trying to break up a fight between Yankees coach Don Zimmer and Red Sox pitcher Pedro Martinez.
Devastated, Bartman confesses that he was the one who stole Maurice Clarett's Jay-Z CD.
A week later, the Marlins defeat the Yankees in the World Series. No one notices.
The NHL season also begins. No one notices.
But they did take notice of what happens in ...
NOVEMBER
... As the Cleveland Browns and Pittsburgh Steelers -- bringing the cities together in a heartwarming display of unity -- are eliminated from playoff contention.
Not to be overshadowed, the Pittsburgh Penguins and Cleveland Cavaliers also are eliminated from playoff contention.
In high school football news, eight area teams make the playoffs. Warren JFK is the last area team to lose, falling to Amanda-Clearcreek in the Division V state semifinals. Clarett immediately sues Amanda-Clearcreek, arguing that several players on the team stole CDs from his car.
And in college football news, the Ohio State Buckeyes -- behind a strong running attack led by Andy Geiger -- defeat the evil Michigan Wolverines 165-10 to win the Big Ten title. (If you disagree, write your own year in review.)
But things really heat up in college football in ...
DECEMBER
... When Bowl Championship Series officials, responding to allegations that they couldn't possibly get any dumber, prove their critics wrong by leaving top-ranked USC out of the Sugar Bowl. ESPN immediately seizes on the story, offering expert analysis on how the decision will affect the Kobe Bryant trial.
Later in the month, St. John's upsets Mount Union in the Division III national title game, snapping the Purple Raiders' NCAA record 55-game winning streak. Contrary to published reports, the sun does not rise in the west the next morning.
So there you have it. The year ends, fittingly, on an unhappy note.
For time and space considerations, we've glossed over a few sports -- boxing, tennis and soccer -- so I hope people don't get upset.
And if they do, hopefully they won't call their lawyers.
XJoe Scalzo is a sportswriter for The Vindicator. Write him at scalzo@vindy.com.