KATHY MITCHELL AND MARCY SUGAR \ Annie's Mailbox Ex -husband is using her guilt to his advantage

Dear Annie: I am the mother of two girls, ages 3 and 7. I am divorced from the children's father, and we have joint custody. I work days, and "Jeff" works nights. When he has the kids, I stay overnight at his house while he's at work. When he returns, I go to my own place and sleep for five hours.
In the last two months, Jeff's job has required him to work a great deal of overtime and also go on occasional business trips. I have bent over backward to accommodate his schedule, even when it means giving up my weekends. Our divorce decree states that we alternate weekends with the children, but I have spent three weekends in a row with the kids because of his job.
One recent Sunday, Jeff gave me all of three hours' notice that he would have to work until midnight. When I expressed exasperation at how much I sacrifice for the sake of his job, he flew off the handle and promptly called my parents to tell them what I said. My mother immediately phoned, chastising me for being unwilling to care for my own children. I ended up staying with the girls that night, only to be greeted by my irate ex at 2:45 a.m., shouting filthy names in my face.
Don't get me wrong, Annie. I love the time with my kids, but I'm exhausted, and I need to recharge my batteries. I have never asked Jeff to make any sacrifices for the sake of my job, even though some extra hours would definitely benefit my career.
Just because I left my marriage doesn't mean I left my girls, although my family seems to believe otherwise. I am a great mother. This was the first complaint I've made in 18 months, and I was raked across the coals. I'm sick and tired of being blamed for my divorce and having to make endless concessions because of it. How do I deal with my ex and my family without causing another fight? Virginia Gal
Dear Virginia: It is helpful when parents accommodate each other's schedules, but there is no reason for you to be the baby sitter because Jeff works until 2 a.m.
You are suffering from a lot of guilt (thanks, partly, to your parents), and your ex-husband is using it to his advantage. Set some boundaries. Jeff needs to be responsible for the girls' care when his job demands weekends and late hours. If that means bringing them to your house or hiring a sitter, so be it. Tell your parents to butt out.
Dear Annie: I was recently invited to a baby shower and was floored when the invitation stated that guests should give cash or a gift certificate to a specific store.
I used to think this couple had class, but apparently they don't know the first thing about simple etiquette. If I decide to go to this shower, I'm certainly not going to give such a crass gift. I want my present to be personal, and I also don't think it's appropriate for the recipients to know the exact cash value of your gift. Am I old-fashioned? Anonymous Gift Giver
Dear Gift Giver: No. There are sensible reasons for most etiquette rules. It is in poor taste to insist on any specific gift or to demand to know the cash value of a present. This is especially true for a shower, where part of the fun is opening each item with "oohs" and "aahs" (although some women find it too time consuming to do even that much). We say, get the new mother whatever you want.
Dear Annie: I have a question. A woman who has an affair with a married man is referred to as a mistress. What do you call a man who has an affair with a married woman? Equal Rights in Michigan
Dear Equal Rights: The closest appropriate term is "paramour," although that has a rather sexy swagger to it. Readers, how about some clever suggestions?
XE-mail your questions to anniesmailbox@com-cast.net, or write to: Annie's Mailbox™, P.O. Box 118190, Chicago, Ill. 60611.
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