Saturday, August 23, 2003
High school football season starts on Thursday, which marks the time of year when all of you anxious fans awake from your summer sports slumber to engage in that most sacred of fall traditions: threatening to cancel your subscription.
As you may have noticed, the sportswriters at this paper hate [your team]. That's why we (pick one):
UNever put [your team] on the front page.
UOnly put [your team] on the front page when you lose.
UAccuse [your team's coach] of wetting the bed.
Oh, sure, we may hide behind fancy words like "balance" and "objectivity, " and "Oh yeah? Well that's what you think."
But we can't hide the truth. You've been reading this paper for years and you've noticed that we've always had a slant against [your team].
It's time we fessed up.
Coming clean
The truth is, we think [your team] is full of players who cheat, coaches who recruit and administrators who kick little dogs.
Not only that, but most of the writers here graduated high school from [your team's rival school].
Well, "graduated" may not be the best term. Let's just say we made it through, but we obviously didn't learn how to (pick one)
URead.
UWrite.
UTake baths.
Our paper wasn't always like this, of course. Back when [former editor] was the sports editor at this paper, we always gave good coverage to [your team].
The paper was more accurate, with bigger pages and superior writers. Everyone knows the paper was a lot better during the (pick one):
U1980s.
U1960s.
UTaft administration.
We also used to cover more teams in a bigger area. Now we only focus on one or two teams and forget all about the teams (pick one):
UIn Trumbull County.
UIn Mahoning County.
UYour son or daughter plays for.
That changed when [the current editor] took over. He doesn't like high school football, nor does he understand how important it is to the Valley. Heck, he's even told me that he hates football and wishes we could just cover junior varsity fishing tournaments.
A new approach
But it's obvious that we can't continue this charade. You've called us on it and we confess to everything.
(Heck, you don't know the half of it. We even have a sign hanging up in our department ranking the teams we hate the most. As you've probably guessed, [your team] is at the top.)
Look, we know you're not one to complain. In fact, we know it doesn't make much difference to you either way. You're a gracious, patient, understanding person who's learned to deal with people like us all your life.
But it's not fair to the kids on [your team]. They deserve credit because they work hard and they shouldn't have to deal with the injustice of seeing [your team's rival] on the front page every week while [your team] is stuck on (pick one):
UPage 7
UPage 107
UThat sign hanging up in our department.
Forgive us. Please. We know we've done wrong, but from now on, there's going to be some changes around here.
We promise never again to (pick one):
UBury [your team] on the inside of the paper.
UPublicize [your team's] recent loss.
USay mean things about you after you call.
We're turning over a new leaf. Promise. From now on, we're going to give [your team] the coverage it deserves.
Because after all, our most important subscriber is [you].
XJoe Scalzo is a sportswriter for The Vindicator. Write him at scalzo@vindy.com.