RELATIONSHIPS Book: Single parents should go slow on dating

Parents should gauge the information they give to a child by the child's age and maturity level.
By SAMANTHA CRITCHELL
ASSOCIATED PRESS
NEW YORK -- It's hard for any child to openly discuss with a parent the trials and tribulations of dating. It's especially hard when it's the parent who is doing the dating.
Single parents who venture back into the world of dating after a divorce or the death of a spouse not only have to deal with their own hesitations and insecurities but also their children's hesitations and insecurities, and, sometimes, their anger.
All of the above are natural reactions and can be overcome, but parental dating is certainly something that should be introduced gently, say Meg Schneider and Martine Byer, the authors of "Sex and the Single Parent: A Guide for Parents Who Find Themselves Back in the Dating Game" (Perigee Trade Paperback).
Both women hold master's degrees in social work and live in the metropolitan New York area.
Children's ages and maturity levels should be the first things to consider as parents decide how to break the news that they're dating, Schneider says.
If a child is very young, Schneider says a parent usually can get out of the house in a quiet way by saying "I'm going to a movie with a friend," holding off on the words "date" or "boyfriend or girlfriend" until the right moment.
"By saying you're going out, you're preparing [the kids] that you have a life outside the house," explains Schneider.
A world of caution
Unlike teenagers, men and women should not meet for their initial dates at their doorsteps if the children might be home, she adds.
"Musical-chairs dating in front of your kids sends the wrong message. They wouldn't understand that you're just meeting new people, and you want to be a good role model, teaching respect about dating."
Once having a few dates with the same person evolves into a relationship, Schneider suggests eventually casually dropping the person's name into conversations, such as "I saw a funny movie with my friend Bill."
"It's all a matter of pacing. Introductions have to be very slow," says Schneider.
Inevitably, a child will ask if the parent and date are going to get married.
Don't be too quick to answer this, Schneider advises. If the parent says "no" and years later announces an engagement, the initial statement might come back to haunt her. At the same time, a parent doesn't want to fuel false hopes or false fears.
Explain to your child that Bill is a new friend and that the child might meet him soon, or say, "We've never talked about marriage," Schneider says, but don't deny reality either.
Choose your words
If children ask other questions about the relationship, try to put it in a context they'll understand and don't bombard them with information, adds Byer.
Try comparing the situation to the children's own friendships by pointing out that sometimes they spent Sunday afternoons at the movies with their pals and then come home for a family dinner. Let them know that it is possible to have more than one important relationship.
Byer says when children interrogate a parent before a date, they are trying to find out how this new person will affect the family's life, not what the date looks like or why the parent is wearing a new outfit.
"Kids are worried about being supplanted, not being as important to the parent and that mommy is not getting back with daddy," Schneider says.
She notes that it isn't uncommon for children not to accept that their parents' relationship is over even if the parents have -- and the divorce papers have been signed.
And if one parent died, then children often feel as if the surviving parent is betraying the family and cheating on that dear and departed loved one.
And once the children have met the new boyfriend or girlfriend -- and parents should only make the introduction if they know the relationship is serious -- then children might feel guilty if they actually like the new person, according to Schneider.
A slow buildup to the introduction might actually work to the parent's, date's and children's best interest, says Byer, because as some excitement mounts, they might become more open-minded.
But, the authors agree, the onus isn't only on the children to be accepting.
The list of attributes a single parent is looking for in a new mate should include compatibility with the kids, says Byer.
Though not all dates are interviews for step-parenthood, the person should be willing to have an interest in the children, she says.