Sunday, October 13, 2002
It is my great pleasure to present to my readers the winner of the First Prize in the 22nd Annual Supermarket Shopper Poetry Competition: "Wreck at the Self-Check," by Jo McNally, of Stroudsburg, Pa. For those who have never used a self-checkout counter, the quotes in Jo's poem are the voice of the self-checkout register:
My supermarket's modern-dated.
Grocery bills just got automated.
A brand new system, publicized,
With self-checkout lanes computerized.
Today, I'd make a daring choice
And scan myself and picked the voice.
"Show your grocery shoppers' card."
Perhaps this venture won't be hard.
"Now scan your items, one by one."
May even be a bit of fun.
Pictures flash across the screen.
"Touch your produce when it's seen."
"Now, weigh your yellow ripe banana,
Peaches plucked from Old Savannah.
Tomatoes ripened on the vine,"
But which variety is mine?
Help me with this episode!
"Each Tomato has a code."
Punch it in? My sight's gone bad,
Where did they hide the number pad?
Ketchup, buy one, get one free!
My tally shows a charge for three!
Senior Day, that's why I'm here,
But my discount won't appear.
The situation's growing worse,
Conveyor belt jumps in reverse.
Motion's stopped -- on screen, a flag.
"You're overflowing. Start to Bag!"
My partial order just got tallied
While I groped and dilly-dallied.
"You've taken items never scanned,
Security will lend a hand."
Here's my Visa, take my name.
Please stop this complicated game.
Bring back the simple checkout aisle
Where cashiers know my name and smile!
Jo McNally started writing poetry five years ago. She won the limerick contest in The Saturday Evening Post twice. She is a smart shopper as well as a poet: "I am a coupon clipper, and I search the weekly advertisements for sales at Mr. Z's where I usually shop. I participate in the store's promotions and the free Thanksgiving turkey." Senior Citizen Day is Tuesdays at Mr. Z's, and that is when Jo shops for her big weekly order.
Keeping the peace
There were many express lane poems in the competition. And my readers know, I strongly advise against confrontations in the express lane. So, an Honorable Mention for "Supermarket Saint," from Connie Spadell of Lattimer Mines, Pa.:
Instead of fuming, adding fuel to my stress,
I chose to stand patiently whispering "God Bless."
To the one with the "loaded" cart in my line,
The line with the sign, "20 Items or Less!"
Finally, some of my readers appreciate the difficulties of cashiers. An Honorable Mention for this poem goes to John i of Lakewood, Calif.:
Here's to the cashiers with patience to spare
In a teeth-grinding job, yet a smile so fair.
Sorting through coupons to be sure there's no error
Correcting out-of-date prices compounds the terror.
The forgetful shoppers who search through their purses
Then make a check while the silent line curses.
It's all part of the game in the cashier's mall of fame.
It was a wonderful competition, and I want to thank all of my readers who joined in the fun. Jo McNally will receive the $100 First Prize and all of the winning poems will be posted on my column Web site, www.martinsloane.com this month.
United Feature Syndicate