GAIL WHITE Candlelight vigil will shed light on mental illness

At 26 years old, Bruce Kosma of Youngstown has spent most of his adult life in a dark and lonely place, filled with anxiety, confusion and fear.
When Bruce was 20, he began having hallucinations and delusions. He was hearing voices and seeing visions that did not exist.
Thus began Bruce's journey with the mental illness schizophrenia. With the help of his family, his faith and sheer determination, Bruce has fought his way out of the darkness.
"It was a devastating blow to me," Bruce remembers. "I was just getting out into the world and then my world fell apart. It turned my life upside down."
Bruce was a young man working and taking college courses. He became a confused, fearful soul.
"I could not determine what was real and what was not," he recalls.
Mother alarmed
As his symptoms became progressively worse, Bruce moved to Florida to live with his mother.
"She knew immediately something was wrong," Bruce says. This child who was always outgoing and articulate was subdued and silent. Yet, Bruce would struggle with schizophrenic symptoms for 15 months before being officially diagnosed.
"I worked in a hospital as a courier," Bruce says. "For 12 hours a day, I walked the floors. I did not speak whatsoever. I was not able to speak with anybody. I would have so much anxiety when another person would come into the room."
Bruce became more isolated as his symptoms progressed.
"I was being tormented by hallucinations and delusions," he explains. "There was a tremendous amount of fear."
At one point, Bruce was hearing messages from the television.
"It was nothing violent," he explains. "But it created a strong fear in me."
It was years before he could watch television again.
"I couldn't even go buy a pack of gum," Bruce recalls about the days when schizophrenia gripped his life. "Just everyday things you do and don't even think about. I couldn't do it."
The schizophrenia progressed into paranoia. Bruce felt like everyone was watching him, criticizing him, condemning him.
Feelings of suicide
Finally, while in counseling with his pastor, Bruce confessed feelings of suicide. His struggle to discern reality from his visions was becoming too great.
With his mother by his side, he entered a psychiatric hospital. It was then that his symptoms were diagnosed.
"I was actually relieved," Bruce confesses. Finally, his nightmare had a name.
Bruce was put on anti-depressant and anti-psychotic medications. But like many young, "immortal" individuals, when his symptoms stopped, he stopped taking the medications.
When the schizophrenic symptoms returned, Bruce began a self-medicating technique common in many mentally ill patients -- drugs and alcohol.
He ended up back in Ohio, living with his grandmother in Poland, riding an old 10-speed bike around looking for drug dealers.
"I got in trouble with the law," Bruce says about the day he hit bottom.
He was sent to Mahoning County Drug Court and spent 30 days in jail.
He was put back on anti-psychotic medications and sent to the SAMI (Substance Abuse and Mental Illness) program.
"I have done a lot of work on myself," he explains.
Sobriety date
June 20, 2001, is his sobriety date. It is a date he plans to keep as the final turning point in his fight against mental illness.
At 7:30 p.m. Thursday, Bruce will attend a candlelight vigil at Richard Brown Memorial Church in honor of mental illness awareness month.
As Bruce holds his candle, he will be reminded of the darkness from which he's emerged.
My hope is that Bruce will hold his small flame high, as a light of hope that he may share with others who suffer in the darkness of mental illness.
gwhite@vindy.com
XRichard Brown Memorial Church is at Elm Street and Woodbine Avenue, across from Wick Park in Youngstown.