Saturday, November 30, 2002
Dear Annie: Our 18-year-old son, Josh, is a senior in high school. He has a busy social life, works part time, keeps his grades up and is on the basketball team.
Last summer, we bought Josh a cellphone and told him he had to check in with us regularly. The problem is, he never calls. When we try to call him, his phone is either turned off or busy. His weekend curfew is 1:00 a.m., and he often shows up a half-hour late, and we cannot reach him in the meantime.
Josh knows the consequences of missing his curfew, but it doesn't seem to matter. Last time, we took his car away for a week. He became angry and said he is old enough to stay out as late as his friends do. (Some of them are out all night.)
Yesterday, we let him go to an out-of-town football game. When we called to find out how he enjoyed the game and if he was on his way back, his phone was off.
We finally heard from him at noon today. He called to say a friend was driving him back. He walked in the door two hours later. We will be taking his car away again, this time for three weeks. We are also confiscating his cellphone.
How can we get our hardheaded son to be more conscientious and conform to our rules? We are at a dead end. Concerned Parents in Salina, Kan.
Dear Salina: Josh sounds like a good kid, but he is 18 and determined to prove his independence. You cannot browbeat him into obedience, so try a different approach. Tell Josh when you don't hear from him at night, you worry. Even though he thinks your concern is ridiculous, you can't help it. Let him know you will consider extending his curfew (perhaps a half-hour) if he agrees to call home at a specified time and tell you he's OK. Don't give up.
Dear Annie: I am a 50-year-old divorcee and met "James" online two years ago. After talking on the phone every night for three months, we met in person. We now have a long-distance relationship and see each other every other weekend.
The problem is, I am always the one doing the traveling. James has not visited my city even once. He says he has too much to do and can never get away. He also tells me he enjoys my e-mails but is too busy to write back often. I recently discovered that James is five years older than what he told me. The age isn't an issue, but I am concerned that he lied. It makes me wonder what else he's lied about.
I know James isn't married because I stay at his home during my visits and have met several of his friends, although I have yet to meet his grown children. Do you think something else is going on? No Name in Kentucky
Dear Kentucky: Not really. It sounds as if James isn't ready to commit, and you are pushing too hard. He doesn't need to make any effort because you're doing all the work. Tell James if he wants to see you, he needs to do the traveling. (Be prepared to wait awhile.) Let him know what you discovered about his age, and ask if there are any more skeletons in the closet. Don't e-mail him more than twice a week. Back off a little, and give him some space. He apparently needs it.
Dear Annie: I recently had my yearly checkup. When it came time for the breast exam, I was surprised when my male doctor called the female nurse in. Before, it was always the doctor and me, alone. I was nervous and uncomfortable to be examined in front of the nurse. Is this a common office practice? Distressed in Iowa
Dear Iowa: Yes. Many women ask to have a female nurse present during examinations as reassurance that there will be no abuse. However, if you don't like it, tell your doctor, and ask him to have the nurse wait outside.
XE-mail your questions to anniesmailbox@tbi.com, or write to: Annie's Mailbox, P.O. Box 118190, Chicago, Ill. 60611.
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