DIANE MAKAR MURPHY Product labels: Don't say they didn't warn you

I drag a FROZEN pizza out of the grocery bag and decide it's dinner. I flip it over to look for baking instructions and read, "Do not eat pizza without cooking." Well, I kno-ow.
Are consumers really that dumb? Honestly. Am I the rare exception that doesn't need the plethora of "helpful" labels? Or, are you one, too?
On the flip side of my pizza wrapper is a large photo of a pizza being served with a wood-handled server. An inch to the left of the photo are the words, "Serving Suggestion." Serving suggestion? What exactly was confusing?
"Gee willickers, Irene! Where the heck is the wood-handled pizza server that was supposed to be in with this pizza? I don't see a pizza server in here! Let's sue that deceptive company!"
I presume that is where all this ridiculous condescension originates. After all, is it really necessary to tell us that the see-through bag of raviolis with the picture of a ravioli-laden dinner plate and salad contains no lettuce or tomato (or a plate, for that matter)? It's see-through, for pasta's sake!
A real hazard: My husband came home grinning from ear to ear one day and produced from his pocket a teeny little bag -- one that contained a single screw. A thimble would have fit into it tightly.
"Look," he said, pointing at even tinier print on the clear plastic bag. "Caution: May cause suffocation."
One would have to cram that tiny little bag up a nostril and go buy a second screw to do the job properly.
"Dust and Clean," an Endust knock-off warns, "Do not spray in eyes." (Right now, everyone whose plan for this evening is to kick back and dust your eyeballs, raise your hands. And, if that is your plan, or the inevitable accident you are about to encounter, do you think that little warning label will stop you?)
Our Procter Silex coffee pot cautions, "Do not hold over people."
Shoe manufacturers must also be wary of our litigious society. Within each box is a small package of silicon that warns all those who may salivate at the sight of sand -- "Do not eat!"
Warnings: At this point, I'd best present some public service announcements garnered from product labels. The next time you use spray paint, Windex, or hairspray, DO NOT point the containers at your face. Danger! Pails and dog food bowls may cause drowning. Don't aim a champagne bottle at your eye when opening it! And, for heaven's sake, don't put a curling iron on your bare skin!
Softsoap, the manufacturers warn, is for EXTERNAL use only! And toothpaste, in case you didn't know, is not meant to be eaten. That's right. Don't eat it.
On the Millville Quick Oats box, the instructions read, "For one serving, combine water, salt and oats in a two cup microwaveable bowl. Microwave on HIGH two minutes. Mix well before serving. CAUTION: BOWL MAY BE HOT."
Millville evidently is not just covering its oats, however, as its container manages to go from treating us as dumb to dumber. "For thicker oats, use less water. For thinner oats, use more water."
Our cooking spray brings new meaning to the phrase: Dumb as rocks. Its instructions have three steps. It's cooking spray! Where exactly is the confusion?
How about this one: Look at the writing on the clear plastic bag surrounding your fresh baby carrots. You'll find, "Ingredients: Carrots."
Another news flash direct from your labels: Avoid swallowing dishwashing detergent. Food contamination with bleach is not recommended. Don't eat soap.
It's a glorious thing having so many manufacturers, often perhaps at the behest of our government, treating us like Beavis and Butthead. It gives one a warm cozy glow.
Warning: Don't take this column too seriously. Ingredient: silliness.
murphy@vindy.com