SOCIALIZING Flirting has its own rules
Make contact with your target three times in 45 minutes or less, Susan Bradley recommends.
By ELIZABETH SIVESIND
KNIGHT RIDDER NEWSPAPERS
Boy enters bar and sees girl. Boy likes girl. Boy wants to flirt, but his heart is in his throat. Boy buys beverage, avoids girl and makes a beeline for his chums at the pool table faster than you can say, "Hey baby, what's your sign?"
The No. 1 mistake men and women make in the flirting game, says dating and relationships author and expert Susan Bradley, is to not approach a love match when your heart and hormones are prompting.
That said, Bradley has some tips for the flirtatiously challenged. Her lecture "How to Flirt Without Appearing to Be in Heat" was the keynote speech at a recent singles convention in Berkeley, Calif.
Part of the fun is audience involvement. "I act like I am in an improv comedy theater production, and the audience is my unwitting cast of characters," Bradley says. "Before they know it, they will be flirting with each other and losing their shyness. We will try all sorts of different flirting techniques." A dance party follows.
Bradley -- who is trained as a registered nurse and hypnotherapist -- travels the world to teach singles how to make their moves. Her clientele is half men and half women, ranging in age from mid-20s to mid-60s.
Third time's a charm
Bradley's approach is simple and strategic. She calls it the Repeated Contact Rule. Flirter should make three contacts with a flirtee in 45 minutes or less. Environment does not matter -- restaurant, bookstore, nightclub -- but tactic does.
The point of initial contact is to get noticed for the right reasons. A smile. Eye contact. A walk-by with a meaningful glance.
The second contact involves an actual exchange of words, usually a brief comment, or if you are bold, a compliment.
Contact three is a conversation and the "defining moment" in a flirting scenario. (Hint: If you do not start a conversation, how can you ask him or her out?)
The best way to start gabbing is by sliding into an existing discussion. Eavesdrop. Do not be afraid to chime in on Oprah, Enron or origami. When in doubt, ask what they do for a living and appear to be interested.
Allow some time
And if sparks do not instantaneously ignite, never fear, says Bradley. "People meet someone and they expect instant chemistry. Those feelings are chemical; it is nature's way of getting couples together. Do not write someone off if you are not immediately attracted to them. You could be passing up your soul mate."
Remember, flirting is supposed to be fun and good love is a good thing. "It's not love that makes people unhappy; it's people that make themselves unhappy," Bradley says. "It's the expectation that someone should love you exactly the way you want to be loved that makes people unhappy. Ask for 100 percent of what you want 100 percent of the time, but do not always expect to get it. Be prepared to negotiate."