Friday, December 27, 2002
Fabrics may give off pheromones that cause women to purchase ungodly amounts of cloth.
KNIGHT RIDDER NEWSPAPERS
At the end of the year, many quilters and home sewers might be feeling some guilt about fabric stashes. Here's a bit of humor to diffuse all that.
This "report" appeared in the Western North Carolina Quilters Guild Newsletter in 1997, author unknown:
Scientific Study Reveals Hypnotizing Effect
Hypnotic trance
A recent study has indicated that fabrics give off certain pheromones that hypnotize women and cause them to purchase ungodly amounts of cloth.
When stored in large quantities in enclosed spaces, the pheromones in the fabrics cause memory loss and induce the nesting syndrome (similar to the one squirrels have before the onset of winter, such as storing food). The species is perpetuated and there's no population loss due to their kind being cut up into pieces and mixed with others.
Sound tests have also revealed that these fabrics emit a very high-pitched sound, heard only by a select few, known as quilters. When played backward, the sounds are heard as chants -- "Buy me, cut me, sew me!"
Safety measures
In order to overcome the so-called feeding frenzy effect that these fabrics cause, one must wear a face mask when entering a storage facility, and use ear plugs to avoid being pulled into their grip. Imagine the sight of customers in a fabric store wearing World War II army gas masks and head sets.
Studies have also indicated that aliens have inhabited the Earth, helping to spread the effect these fabrics have on the human population. These aliens are called fabric store clerks!
Furthermore, pheromones seem to cause a pathological need to secret the fabric purchases away when one takes them home and blends them into the existing stash. When asked by a significant other if the fabric is new, the reply is, "Oh, I've had it for a while!"